SIX MINUTES

If You Stop Moving You Die

(Burning Teslas sent to me by a homie, Rainbow Rat Memed by myself, five minutes ago, 2025)

6.

Motherfuckers forget about you really quick when you’re not pumping shit out in their faces. I’ve got a hip on fire, I’m chewing nic gum and Xanax like Tic-Tacs, my nephew just brought back over the tools I let him borrow and hit me up for some one mils because his script is running low and yesterday some racist made me money.

(But fuck how BuyMeACoffee does their payouts. Last one took a week and a half to clear, but whatever.)

Phisto Sobanii was one of the first people I ran into on notes and he thinks there’s some magic separation between notes, where his whole schtick is “king troll” and his publication, The Partisan. I saw some of his notes first day on the block, they were Chan level “ironic racism” and so I got on one of his posts and went and told him I’d gladly hunt his racist ass for sport. He muted me. This time him and some assholes got on one of the few people I afford myself the luxury of paying for their writing,

Inigo Laguda

(apologies for the tag but hey, I’m telling a story here.) I made a comment on a screencap Inigo made and I guess Phisto forgot my name because he came after me with his 200 ass troll bullshit and “I’m CERTAINLY not a racist, I meant ‘you people’ in a more subtle ironic way your tiny brain is incapable of understanding.” Nah kid, I’m from STL, you’re racist. Woo-wop-woo-wop he keeps coming for me while I’m packing and I have to get to work so I tell him he should just do himself a favor and block me now. He lives in Ohio, he uses a pseudonym, he’s a teacher, this means his conduct on the internet could potentially end him up socially ostracized, censured, or fired, and he made a note where he mentioned ruining his life over something he said on the internet and we all know that’s a default admission of guilt. He’s also bad at infosec because he mentions he’s in Ohio twice far enough apart that he most definitely is in Ohio, and in a post he says the SHIP one of his grandfathers served on in WWII. Records of who served on those ships are public. After you have the list of who served on the boat, it’s just a lot of legwork. I don’t think he realizes exactly how easy it would be to fuck his life up proper. So hey if them nationalist, racist, “dissident” fucks are going to go off the chain since the election I may as well go back to sport fucking them and getting them fired for fun. Shit, I used to keep a tally of how many people I’d gotten either fired or ostracized from their social groups for being big bad “anonymous” internet Nazis.

You got four Nazis sitting down to have dinner. You sit down at the same table. What you got? You got five Nazis having dinner together.

I’d spend less time talking about this except I gained a few paying subscribers while I was packing and he was ranting about how I’m “unstable” which is pretty well known. Unstable and militant. Doesn’t have shit to do with being competent.

And if you get on Notes defending yourself violently as not being a racist, and you’re white, and from Ohio, boy do I got news for you.

Point is this moving shit has cut into my life and there was ONE exciting Substack thing to happen to me in the middle of it.

5.

Yeah, this is still happening. As soon as the unpack is stable I’m headed in on numbers 3 and 4 respectively.

THE ANTE

You buy an autopsy, get in line, get what you need done up, and get it returned. If you want, it doesn’t get posted. If you do, I post it. THEN You rework what you wanted done up, you post it, I post it, we all boost it, your work gets a signal bump, I get paid, you get a professional editor and an in for any future work with me automatically because you saved my family’s ass when we needed saving.

THE STAKES

I still need that bag. The move happened. It took 4 different payment methods to pay for the goddamn movers. Two bills gonna go late ain’t shit I can do about it.

THE FUTURE

Once a network is in place, we can do things with it. The community coalesced around me without knowing me in a time of great need. That garners my support for everyone who helped my family until I get my brains blown out (only a semi-likely scenario) I’m BIG on community building and self organizing support networks. I’ve built a few. I’ve started a few. A rising tide lifts all ships. And maybe we can help get the fiction tab out of the swamp Substack has put us in.

FICTION CREATES CULTURE

therefore

FICTION IS CULTURE

and so

WRITERS CREATE CULTURE

And what are we, but writers of fiction?

And then while I’m gone packing and shit

M.P. Fitzgerald

gets his work done and posted while I’m killing myself trying to unpack boxes 9 hours a day.

Here’s the finished product next to the original and I still haven’t gotten to read it.

Unalive On Air - [Emil is my Editor]

(It’s a really good short, you should read it anyway.)

Thanks to Muppet Pendleton for the love, I’ll pass it down the line as soon as I can.

And since this is the part of the post that’s the jux

Until April 1 you can still get 20% OFF MY YEARLY SUBSCRIPTION FOREVER

And until my birthday on April 15th, since I’m turning 40, you can get 40% off one year

KEEP YOUR HANDS UP

I am still taking editorial inquiries. For the next however long it takes until I feel comfortable, flat fees and cash talks and I’m negotiable.

Know your worth, but know when to compromise for the greater good. Right now, the greater good is my tiny little family. My 73 year old moms, my amazing fiancee Edith Bow, our cats, and me.

Send inquiries for services to Emilottoman@gmail.com with EDITORIAL INQUIRY in the subject heading.

4.

Leave for ten minutes and go silent and people forget who you are but

DA LEGENDARY RAW NIGGA WRITINGS OF DuVAY KNOX

whose publication I can tag but because of formatting or some bullshit I couldn’t tag personally, and you should be reading it and subscribing ANYWAY because it’s the sorta prose people should aspire to. But DuVay KNOX gave me the best compliment I’ve gotten in ages on All Power Demands Sacrifice and now I’m hot to write the final piece in the winter trilogy. Many thanks. Sometimes a comment can make someone’s day. don’t be greedy with spreading around genuine enthusiasm or praise to people you read or respect.

While I was putting myself in traction

Zani D

, who brought me pages and asked if they were good or if she had something dropped the first of her immaculate series Charms. Go read it right the fuck now. I’m not just saying that because I took those pages, read them, and said I wanted at least one story a week, and I was her editor, and to pay no attention to my notes, read them, but keep writing, don’t go back and start fiddling. And she did, and this hits.

Charms - Mouse

If this doesn’t hit you in the chest, fuck you, go back to reading airport hardbacks, you don’t know how to read or you don’t have a soul.

I’m not done yet. Haven’t even had the time to change my address so I’m gonna be honest, worried I’m not going to get the book I preordered from

Magnetic S.

which would piss me right the fuck off. Everyone’s doing lives and shit, and if I do a live I’m definitely doing it in a ski mask. Y’all see my face up there already. I haven’t had a cigarette since we moved. I had a Dr. appt two days after we moved and at least I’m healthy aside from my brain. You can buy a single use suppressor off of Temu, you just have to know what you’re searching for. I’m tetraphobic because 4 is a number associated with death.

3.

elle nash

is holding a six month workshop. It starts taking applicants in April. I’m going to apply. If you want an intensive bonding experience that will up your game, it’s expensive but it’s worth it and unless you suck, you’ll come out of it with friends. I took Textures, her last workshop, twice? I can’t remember. It was during COVID, no one remembers exactly what happened during COVID, I just remember her workshop being a sanctuary and a lot of xanax passing through my hands for no money. Here are the details.

FUCK, MARRY, KILL: Writing Female Rage | Applications Open Sunday, 6 April

This six-month writing class will explore the psychology of killing and the net between desire and the grotesque. You will learn how to craft nuanced characters with vivid intensity by examining their emotional wounds as the starting points for development, and learn how to think vertically within your fiction to create emotional, psychological and physical depth.

Will feature lecture, assigned readings, and monthly workshops, as well as one-on-one mentorship. Starts in summer. Rather than first come first served, applicants will be selected based on a writing sample. Sign up here to be alerted when applications open on Sunday, 6 April (or just stay tuned :~))

You have to apply, so, send in a sample. It’s selective, but Elle works with people on pay, there’s usually at least one scholarship, and she has the same knack I do for seeing writers ready to pop off. Diamonds in the rough. I’ll be there, hopefully. (For anyone wondering why I ask for money one spot and say I’ll spend big money another spot it’s because I support my people. Give and you’ll get. And if I don’t get it’s just money, I’ll take if I have to.)

SPEAKING OF WORKSHOPS

Elle has a six month banger coming and as soon as shit settles just a bit me and

🫀body fluids🦷 - a lit mag

are putting on a bloodbath.

This isn’t first come first serve either. It’s an application and it’s gatekept. The price is high to keep out dilettantes and because it’s subtitled “And Editorial Abattoir” for a reason. No peer crit, two editorial perspectives, two sets of tailored suggestions or ancillary reading material. If you’re aiming to publish, or you’ve been published already, and you have a story you want to tell but it’s just NOT coming together. We’ll shred it and give you what you need to sew it back together or make a delicious meal out of it.

Either way, after it goes through this thresher, the next draft will get you past that problem and closer to that pub. Hell, we may even have suggestions for where to submit it. Who knows.

2.

They’re putting a new roof on this spot and where I was going to put my desk in my office is in front of windows, because I always like looking out windows. First morning we’re in here it’s raining and from the back above the windows in my office drip drip drip comes this fucking water so for the first time in I don’t know how long I’m going to be sitting here with the art table behind me and staring at a fucking wall when I’d rather be staring outside even if it’s just a shit tiny back yard and an alleyway. I don’t care, Edith loves the darkness and lives in caves, I crave the light and love looking out at the day. But the spot is so lenient that we can paint if we want, so that’s cool. Maybe I’ll paint my office the color Van Gogh ate trying to make his insides happy before he shot himself in the gut. (Cadmium Yellow I think?) And my mind is burning with ideas and I’m just angry I don’t have the time for the work I’m being paid for, let alone my own writing, let alone any reading right now, let alone any of the other projects that sit in my head boiling over forever.

1.

I’ve decided that I’m going to be starting a limited capacity weekly workshop. Seats will be limited because everyone will be expected to bring pages to read, even if it’s just on Zoom or Google Meet, I don’t care.

Enough people have expressed interest and said do the thing for me to do the thing.

As soon as things calm down I’ll start working on it.

I’ve got my own spicy mix of ideas that branch off from the lineage I come from and I want to see if anyone else is interested. It’s not a minimalist workshop, but there will be minimalist elements. It’s not going to be a workshop like Elle and the one Body Fluids and I are putting on. It will be ongoing.

I’m thinking hybrid private Discord and one actual meeting a week. Some tautology. Everyone learns from everyone though. I lead and facilitate, and I bring and read pages too.

Skin in the game is ten bucks a week. You only pay for the weeks you show up, read, and participate.

Simple. Keep it affordable, keep it open, keep it accessible, keep it going.

Figure if it works and gels, I got at least a good 20 years in me for it.

Fiction is culture. Fiction creates culture. But if no one is passing down any of the knowledge but for designer price tags, it’s going to turn into a trickle and then stop.

Regular workshops with lower barriers to entry have produced more published authors over their lifespans by my count on the branch of literary style and storytelling I sit at the end of than I care to go list, from Anthony Bourdain and Amy Hempel (among many others) at Gordon Lish’s workshops in NY in the 80s and 90s, to Tom Spanbauer’s Dangerous Writing workshop that ran for over 20 years, and brought Palahniuk most famously, Monica Drake, Suzy Vitello, Elle Nash, Rob Hart, and a whole host of amazing talent out of the PNW, all having made their waves.

Meanwhile I’ve met three people who went through the Iowa Writer’s Workshop, and none of them were doing anything having to do with writing.

Palahniuk is hosting workshops in the PNW on a semi regular basis, but they’re localized. They do keep to the spirit of being accessible, as I believe they’re only ten bucks a week to attend as well. But everyone doesn’t live in Portland/Seattle, and everyone doesn’t have the money to go to long form workshops that give you months to develop something and then end, as great as they may be (and they are if the right people are leading them)

But maybe we need something more dispersed. Maybe we need something not proximal. Because I’ve lived in STL my whole life, and I’ve never been able to find much of a literary culture that fit me in this town.

This is the 21st Century, maybe it’s time we can come out of the basement.

Or maybe I’m insane. DM me or throw me an email to let me know.

0.

Next fiction. Currently working up the panic attack.