I promised I wopudl come back to this when I had time to give it the time it needs when you have to digest not only a great story but also insanely detailed edits woven all the way into it
Just some of the best stuff you can ever read here - its just making me do the GNNNNNNNNNNN noise thing its so great.
So emil knows how much I love the autopsies and PK I havent read so much of your stuff, but this story is clever, hard hitting - that last line is not really expected until really near the end when suddently the mood in the room lifts - so poignant, because that is the truth of so many suicides - when the suffering soul gets to the stage when they have resolved that they must and will take their life - suddenly, everything is clear and the spirit rises - starting its journey into the wherever.
Happens - happened close to me three times now. young men.
so for me, the last few paras when they kiss and make up - it was like - ooooh dear - I know whats coming - but, the baby too - ouch - fuck that was cripplingly good.
not my place to chuck in edits here but here and there, there were odd things that really jarred with all the great stuff around them - sometimes stuff that flows out easily is the unthinking words and fillers and joiners -like an autocomplete thats fed on all the books you already read - but when you put the work into the paragraphs and sentences, thats when you can take those out and polish ot all up - there are some great lines in here - my favourite below - but I would have said "will be" rather than "really is"
"Crossing the Queensboro Bridge wasn't so bad. At least there all the Silhouettes were gathered at the edge, tiptoed on the railing, eternally peering over the fence and pondering how hard the water really is."
and the dialogue was perfect - bad dialogue jarrs with me the most - christ I spend hours on it....
Thanks for coming back to it, Nick. I’m glad you called out the uplifting moment before the turn. That was an important addition for me because, as you said, that is how it often goes for folks. A feeling of lightness and perverse joy at knowing the struggle will be coming to an end. It is totally your place to offer edits too, I want feedback from everywhere I can get it. The note on that sentence is perfect, I love it. I appreciate the compliment for the dialogue. Definitely take great pride in my dialogue. I spend a lot of time on dialogue as well making sure it feels natural and real, reading it out loud and acting it out to get it just right. Thanks again!
This is incredible. So many excellent notes already spinning up my engines with ideas. I truly can't thank you enough for both the thoughtful, merciless edit and the heartfelt praise. And I WILL be introducing myself as "scion of a strange new literary vernacular" at all parties from now on, until I am no longer invited to parties.
This concept is fire, and I am already heartbroken from the story. I very much look forward to seeing your next version (I have to recover from this one first, though).
@Emil
You know you're good. Thank you as always for letting us see the process on the table.
Fascinating and enlightening editorial, Emil. I’m truly looking forward to the updated version. The premise and the story has worked its way under my skin, that’s for sure.
I promised I wopudl come back to this when I had time to give it the time it needs when you have to digest not only a great story but also insanely detailed edits woven all the way into it
Just some of the best stuff you can ever read here - its just making me do the GNNNNNNNNNNN noise thing its so great.
So emil knows how much I love the autopsies and PK I havent read so much of your stuff, but this story is clever, hard hitting - that last line is not really expected until really near the end when suddently the mood in the room lifts - so poignant, because that is the truth of so many suicides - when the suffering soul gets to the stage when they have resolved that they must and will take their life - suddenly, everything is clear and the spirit rises - starting its journey into the wherever.
Happens - happened close to me three times now. young men.
so for me, the last few paras when they kiss and make up - it was like - ooooh dear - I know whats coming - but, the baby too - ouch - fuck that was cripplingly good.
not my place to chuck in edits here but here and there, there were odd things that really jarred with all the great stuff around them - sometimes stuff that flows out easily is the unthinking words and fillers and joiners -like an autocomplete thats fed on all the books you already read - but when you put the work into the paragraphs and sentences, thats when you can take those out and polish ot all up - there are some great lines in here - my favourite below - but I would have said "will be" rather than "really is"
"Crossing the Queensboro Bridge wasn't so bad. At least there all the Silhouettes were gathered at the edge, tiptoed on the railing, eternally peering over the fence and pondering how hard the water really is."
and the dialogue was perfect - bad dialogue jarrs with me the most - christ I spend hours on it....
did I say brilliant yet?
Thanks for coming back to it, Nick. I’m glad you called out the uplifting moment before the turn. That was an important addition for me because, as you said, that is how it often goes for folks. A feeling of lightness and perverse joy at knowing the struggle will be coming to an end. It is totally your place to offer edits too, I want feedback from everywhere I can get it. The note on that sentence is perfect, I love it. I appreciate the compliment for the dialogue. Definitely take great pride in my dialogue. I spend a lot of time on dialogue as well making sure it feels natural and real, reading it out loud and acting it out to get it just right. Thanks again!
This is incredible. So many excellent notes already spinning up my engines with ideas. I truly can't thank you enough for both the thoughtful, merciless edit and the heartfelt praise. And I WILL be introducing myself as "scion of a strange new literary vernacular" at all parties from now on, until I am no longer invited to parties.
@P.K.
This concept is fire, and I am already heartbroken from the story. I very much look forward to seeing your next version (I have to recover from this one first, though).
@Emil
You know you're good. Thank you as always for letting us see the process on the table.
Fascinating and enlightening editorial, Emil. I’m truly looking forward to the updated version. The premise and the story has worked its way under my skin, that’s for sure.
Can’t wait to see the final product. What we’ve brought together here, may no one fucking dare to tear asunder.