In the numbers you have a mirror structure with the 464, there's breath in the 195 and then there's tension in the 387(I'm also on the second roach joint). Best part? That wasn't even the quarter part I mentioned I wish I had thought of using first, that's: The Man Who Sold The World. That said, Nena's song slaps. And you already got it in.
" I’m using big voice to speak directly to the reader. All the facts as of the time of the writing were true, establishing that good old authority. But I’m not entirely sure it works how I’d like."
I think those paragraphs can benefit from some puzzle action(you mention that later with your idea of rearranging). And in my unprofessional opinion I'd cut: "In the time it's taken you to read this, how much does that equal?" Makes the previous fact land harder, imupo.
"pulled the filename out of a hat, I believe from an actual video on my laptop at the time. Switch to past tense. After the opening this piece switches from past tense for any time the viewer is the only person en scene. And stays with the protagonist in first present the rest of the story. I’ll probably keep that. It works." Not gonna quote the whole para. All of that is fire. Simple. Now rewriting the intro of the vid would be killer, but that's just me thinking like me and i always think a rewrite is better(and I know Im not right but I kinda like that obsession, it's healthy for me).
"The desert opens so wide, fading to blue shifted mountains and mesas in the extreme 4k video distance where it’s already dusked itself dark—A hand, his skin weathered, pale, dry, rock hard lookings, reaches down and pats a shining black void the pistol looks like on a ripped up red leather bench seat in streaming 1080HQ high def." THE WAY THE PERSPECTIVE COLLAPSES AS IT SCALED DOWN/DROPS RESOLUTION IS FUCKING BRILLIANT. (I'm going to send you something on your dm)
"This para is shaky and I don’t know if it’s producing the effect that I want. It’s quick cuts in a music video and an excuse for the narrator to give you more info" I think I know what you mean and I agree, only because it doesn’t stand as strong as the paragraphs preceding it. Not by much, tho. I LOVED : "he's just been up too long and this is an elaborate hallucination, if it's an experimental film, or what." The whole thing I'm just trying to trim the comment down.
"Some references are getting to be real fuckin’ dated here. Cut and rewrite “the sun went down in the video” ugh. " Nah, it goes on par with the character as for the foreshadowing I have no say you know your story, but for the references, this is cookie. Good.
"So he continues talking for 1:45:00 and we have it just come to pass, off the road he goes. Middle of fucking nowhere, poor descriptions. No real feel to the goddamn scene. No atmosphere. This is lacking some atmosphere is what I feel like. " Space is the only think that came to my mind as I read this paragraph. That's what I think it needed, Imuuao.
"In the video he shuts the headlights off on the car and pulls off the side of the gravel road that's gone to two worn tracks heading high up into the middle of nowhere. " I feel shuts is doing all the work here and imuuao I think shifting it towards heading—full on isolation—with a comma or whatever, you're the editor. And I'd also trim either gravel or road; one implies the other, cutting it also might focus the rhythm of the line.
"In the video, are we doubling up..." With u, and I can learn from this.
“says to whoever would ever be watching.” I digged this whole paragraph, and this particular part is something I feel I would write, so that was odd to read and think.
"I want to stage this scene better. I just do not like it how it’s written in this version of the story. I’d probably nuke and rewrite this whole fucking para." It's money and if its not its in the .7 on the scale.
"This is true, they do recruit from Brown, no cap. Everything else ..." Nice
"I don’t know if you got anything out of it, but you got new fiction, an autopsy, self analysis, and me getting mad at my own writing. Which means after a week or two, you’ll probably get this in finished and newly written form." Shiiiiiiiii... did I get anything out of it? Can't have any examples or details on what and how exactly but this cleared a lot of things that aren't even on the page.
This was a fucking revelation. Because of the POV's and you doing cutting yourself up it made for an intense ride. I was inside a fucking Gundam. I love the energy throughout the story and the play with form is beautiful and something I love myself, seeing this is inspiring. Not in the generic googly eyes inspiring soft air punch inspiring, ACTUALLY BUILDING SOMETHING OUT OF THOSE BONES INSPIRING.
sigh
You have a great mind and impeccable skills, it's hard when writing like this. Because there's nothing like it to reference from. That's serious shit. That's what I want. Keep doing what you're doing.
We're watching.
I'm actually qualified for this next thing: chef's kiss. For you, for this piece, your writing, everything. Sick af. Dope shit.
ok, I had an essay comment a la you lol but i'm not done with the autopsy(i keep spacing out adding to the comment and now imma get all the roaches opened up and roll em up again to continue)
This is not the only story with Vivienne in it. AND SHE HAS A NAME. She’s also not a lady, she’s a child.
I wrote a whole story last year about genetically bred child soldiers and mutant farm animals fighting an endless war on a trash planet that ends with a horrific scene that got NO play, but you put one vulva on a kid’s face. I swear.
Yeah but everyone sort of skins themselves and considering it was stream of consciousness POV, straight through no edits, means that you do have some work, but also allows you to grow better. You've grown more since then and you shouldn't be that hard on yourself. That's why I always say to people if they want to see where I used to be I have my first writing on my page and the changes are stark.
Some day I promise, I will show you my first novel and you’ll be like “oh my god.”
And yeah, I do forget that this was steam of consciousness and a one hit.
And when have you known me NOT to be hard on myself. But it was great to know that while it needs work, the bones are good, and there’s still a lotta good and some banger ass lines.
So anyway, I liked this story on the surface of it until I pulled it out of the files and started to read past what I posted to Substack. Now I want to set myself on fire and take a slow walk down the street while Lou Reed plays in the background.
Emil I like reading the autopsy of your own work and I like the idea of the devil being an alien. I look forward to reading it when its ready.
I went too easy on myself. But thank you. I was getting delirious there by the end.
The long title is OP. Brilliant.
In the numbers you have a mirror structure with the 464, there's breath in the 195 and then there's tension in the 387(I'm also on the second roach joint). Best part? That wasn't even the quarter part I mentioned I wish I had thought of using first, that's: The Man Who Sold The World. That said, Nena's song slaps. And you already got it in.
" I’m using big voice to speak directly to the reader. All the facts as of the time of the writing were true, establishing that good old authority. But I’m not entirely sure it works how I’d like."
I think those paragraphs can benefit from some puzzle action(you mention that later with your idea of rearranging). And in my unprofessional opinion I'd cut: "In the time it's taken you to read this, how much does that equal?" Makes the previous fact land harder, imupo.
"pulled the filename out of a hat, I believe from an actual video on my laptop at the time. Switch to past tense. After the opening this piece switches from past tense for any time the viewer is the only person en scene. And stays with the protagonist in first present the rest of the story. I’ll probably keep that. It works." Not gonna quote the whole para. All of that is fire. Simple. Now rewriting the intro of the vid would be killer, but that's just me thinking like me and i always think a rewrite is better(and I know Im not right but I kinda like that obsession, it's healthy for me).
"The desert opens so wide, fading to blue shifted mountains and mesas in the extreme 4k video distance where it’s already dusked itself dark—A hand, his skin weathered, pale, dry, rock hard lookings, reaches down and pats a shining black void the pistol looks like on a ripped up red leather bench seat in streaming 1080HQ high def." THE WAY THE PERSPECTIVE COLLAPSES AS IT SCALED DOWN/DROPS RESOLUTION IS FUCKING BRILLIANT. (I'm going to send you something on your dm)
"This para is shaky and I don’t know if it’s producing the effect that I want. It’s quick cuts in a music video and an excuse for the narrator to give you more info" I think I know what you mean and I agree, only because it doesn’t stand as strong as the paragraphs preceding it. Not by much, tho. I LOVED : "he's just been up too long and this is an elaborate hallucination, if it's an experimental film, or what." The whole thing I'm just trying to trim the comment down.
"Some references are getting to be real fuckin’ dated here. Cut and rewrite “the sun went down in the video” ugh. " Nah, it goes on par with the character as for the foreshadowing I have no say you know your story, but for the references, this is cookie. Good.
"So he continues talking for 1:45:00 and we have it just come to pass, off the road he goes. Middle of fucking nowhere, poor descriptions. No real feel to the goddamn scene. No atmosphere. This is lacking some atmosphere is what I feel like. " Space is the only think that came to my mind as I read this paragraph. That's what I think it needed, Imuuao.
"In the video he shuts the headlights off on the car and pulls off the side of the gravel road that's gone to two worn tracks heading high up into the middle of nowhere. " I feel shuts is doing all the work here and imuuao I think shifting it towards heading—full on isolation—with a comma or whatever, you're the editor. And I'd also trim either gravel or road; one implies the other, cutting it also might focus the rhythm of the line.
"In the video, are we doubling up..." With u, and I can learn from this.
“says to whoever would ever be watching.” I digged this whole paragraph, and this particular part is something I feel I would write, so that was odd to read and think.
"I want to stage this scene better. I just do not like it how it’s written in this version of the story. I’d probably nuke and rewrite this whole fucking para." It's money and if its not its in the .7 on the scale.
"This is true, they do recruit from Brown, no cap. Everything else ..." Nice
"I don’t know if you got anything out of it, but you got new fiction, an autopsy, self analysis, and me getting mad at my own writing. Which means after a week or two, you’ll probably get this in finished and newly written form." Shiiiiiiiii... did I get anything out of it? Can't have any examples or details on what and how exactly but this cleared a lot of things that aren't even on the page.
This was a fucking revelation. Because of the POV's and you doing cutting yourself up it made for an intense ride. I was inside a fucking Gundam. I love the energy throughout the story and the play with form is beautiful and something I love myself, seeing this is inspiring. Not in the generic googly eyes inspiring soft air punch inspiring, ACTUALLY BUILDING SOMETHING OUT OF THOSE BONES INSPIRING.
sigh
You have a great mind and impeccable skills, it's hard when writing like this. Because there's nothing like it to reference from. That's serious shit. That's what I want. Keep doing what you're doing.
We're watching.
I'm actually qualified for this next thing: chef's kiss. For you, for this piece, your writing, everything. Sick af. Dope shit.
ok, I had an essay comment a la you lol but i'm not done with the autopsy(i keep spacing out adding to the comment and now imma get all the roaches opened up and roll em up again to continue)
As usual, I learned a lot from reading this. The mutant pigeon lady with a vagina for a mouth is gonna stick with me for a while...
This is not the only story with Vivienne in it. AND SHE HAS A NAME. She’s also not a lady, she’s a child.
I wrote a whole story last year about genetically bred child soldiers and mutant farm animals fighting an endless war on a trash planet that ends with a horrific scene that got NO play, but you put one vulva on a kid’s face. I swear.
Haha right, sorry. Vivienne, the mutant pigeon child with the vulva for a mouth. Got it.
These are not sentences I ever thought I’d write out. But goddammit I’m glad I did.
This is one of my favorite stories. I look forward to its rewrite.
I do too now, but going over it like this was like skinning myself in public a little bit. And it is starting to show its age.
Yeah but everyone sort of skins themselves and considering it was stream of consciousness POV, straight through no edits, means that you do have some work, but also allows you to grow better. You've grown more since then and you shouldn't be that hard on yourself. That's why I always say to people if they want to see where I used to be I have my first writing on my page and the changes are stark.
Some day I promise, I will show you my first novel and you’ll be like “oh my god.”
And yeah, I do forget that this was steam of consciousness and a one hit.
And when have you known me NOT to be hard on myself. But it was great to know that while it needs work, the bones are good, and there’s still a lotta good and some banger ass lines.
So anyway, I liked this story on the surface of it until I pulled it out of the files and started to read past what I posted to Substack. Now I want to set myself on fire and take a slow walk down the street while Lou Reed plays in the background.
I get not liking old work, but this? This is killer, man! I really enjoyed this monster.