This was an interesting read. my critism is all my own subjective stuff that probably would be against the whole idea of the piece, so it's not really relevant.
Best way i can describe it is far too on the nose. Which most likley was the point, I think I'm a sucker for subtly and ambiguity. Not my cup of tea but still well done. I'll have to check out more when I can.
It was too hard, and I didn't even write the brutal parts.
Yes, the blunt tool was intentional. I fully believe if people had to witness the aftermath of these shootings the way first responders do, we would respond MUCH differently as a society to the epidemic of mass death in the US.
I just meant more writing in general. Not more of this specific thing.
Like I said, any criticism I had was just my subjective opinion on how the piece was executed. so not relevant, as you guys clearly had a vision and you went for it. regardless, good job!
20. “Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” Mark Twain
The horrific thing is, I can see this kind of, ermmm, public information film playing out for real. Minus the Latin because so few people understand it these days. But it was a classy touch.
Brilliant collab the both of you. Seamless writing. Where one starts and the other begins, who knows?
I cared about the horse. Too much. I prefer animals to people anyway.
Yeah I had to bring it right back to the horse. And really part of the reason was I was thinking what happens when you dump 75 rounds of 7.62 when you mentioned earlier that there was a horse somewhere around there eating crab grass.
I don't know if you've ever been close to AK-47 while it's ripping a mag at full auto but without hearing protection. I can tell you if you're in the general vicinity. It is very very loud. In fact, most people who don't live places where gunshots are very regular occurrence. Do not realize how loud those m************ are. Someone blows off a magazine from AR-15 somewhere within about a mile and a half of here just about every night.. they have a distinctive report too. I can tell you the general caliber and distance of a pistol shot from my front window. I live on the second floor right now of a box Victorian made out of three course brick built in 1908. If someone did what happens in this story on the sidewalk outside of my house, it would sound like the world is ending really close.
Long story short gun's real loud if you're going to be a shooter, carry your protection kids. You don't want to die with your ears ringing.
The break is after he says gentlemen die well. Me and her really do work well together. This is late because of me.
I live in the UK - firearms of any kind aren't ubiquitous among civvies unless you're a farmer (lots of shotgun-owning sheep farmers where I live). I hear them occasionally. Not even close to the firearms you have written about.
My wife was military - it was very odd seeing her with an SA80 in her arms on guard duty, back in the day. But yes, I take your point - the ones you have written about are extremely loud, ear-bleeding weapons.
Well fuckle me my night is ruined after reading this. And it should be. The way ya'll made such grotesque imagery interwoven with pornographic technical authority-- it's hypnotic. The sad thing is, and I hate this about myself, but it was the death of the horse that kicked my empathy in the groin
the horse is fantastic... this sort of mechanism hits like in "my name is my name" with the barley field sections being such a different element to the main narrative. forcing you to engage with another perspective thats juddering the brain.
Hah, the horse was literally the point for me. Effective tool. It's even worse if you've ever seen a horse take a dive like that and end up dead from it. Right in the buttons.
Just one day when we were skipping class, we were walking downtown from school, shooting the shit.
Back then EVERYONE had a thing for throwing things from afar and try to hit (usually an unsuspecting person) a moving target.
Where I was from dude’s would fill 20oz bottles of water or soda with piss and throw those. Or balloons, filled with water and bleach, etc
Anyway, we were on our way actually walking the same road I describe in Raindrops on the final stretch. Grabbed a green mango (unripe) from the floor and saw a horse at the other side of the road. We’re talking half a baseball field worth of distance.
The horse’s cock was elephant trunking out and about.
So I said: Hey, check it out!
And threw the mango (again, I was far as shit) and the mango rocketed upwards and curved down—smacking the horse right on the cock.
Long story short, we found the horse dead two days later. Its dick got swollen and couldn’t retract so it got infected…
It wasn’t on purpose, and that’s the last time I threw something at anything random.
We are on the same page there, I thought of that same scene, with the children and the combine?
There was this thing that upset me as a kid when the movie *Independence Day* came out and the aliens blow up the cities; people in the theater cheered at the mass scale massacre… but they held their breath for a golden retriever escaping the carnage. Don’t get me wrong, all good dogs are good dogs— but it struck me as insane that we cared more for that one animal then all of New York. The horse had a similar effect on me, I was so engrossed and shocked by the spectacle that the horse made me go “oh no”
i was like... that is a stunning way to describe a rusting (ford) mustang thats like head down in weeds, like its eating them... it instantly painted a picture for me of a rusting car, on its own, in a patch of weeds
i thought...that is beautiful. That is the horse! genius!
I snipped it ready to restack the genius of that one line...
.then i got to the end and realised IT WAS AN ACTUAL HORSE... THE HORSE WAS ACTUALLY A HORSE.
for me...long detailed description of guns makes me uncomfortable. I suppose this is partly the point. but the line about the horse is amazing. are you SURE it wasn't a car?
Damn, that's such a good line... And a great perspective. I try to put things like that in my writing all the time, but fuck, I had to tie it back to an actual horse. There's a point to why the horse dies, why he wonders where the horse went, and the speed with which the horse expires within the framework of the story. Think it over.
I’d say yours is the choppy style and poetic is Dani . CHOP, CHOP, CHOP repetition feels like a different writer than the one describing the slow Z drawn in bullets. But I could be wrong because it meshed well
But I barely knew enough to purchase the ones I need to track down. I'll only write about them in the vaguest terms, fuck up with weapons or cars and someone will notice every damn time.
This was an interesting read. my critism is all my own subjective stuff that probably would be against the whole idea of the piece, so it's not really relevant.
Best way i can describe it is far too on the nose. Which most likley was the point, I think I'm a sucker for subtly and ambiguity. Not my cup of tea but still well done. I'll have to check out more when I can.
There won't be more like this.
It was too hard, and I didn't even write the brutal parts.
Yes, the blunt tool was intentional. I fully believe if people had to witness the aftermath of these shootings the way first responders do, we would respond MUCH differently as a society to the epidemic of mass death in the US.
I just meant more writing in general. Not more of this specific thing.
Like I said, any criticism I had was just my subjective opinion on how the piece was executed. so not relevant, as you guys clearly had a vision and you went for it. regardless, good job!
Fucking great fucking job!
Thank you!
20. “Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” Mark Twain
There are two very's in this piece, I let them stand.
The horrific thing is, I can see this kind of, ermmm, public information film playing out for real. Minus the Latin because so few people understand it these days. But it was a classy touch.
Brilliant collab the both of you. Seamless writing. Where one starts and the other begins, who knows?
I cared about the horse. Too much. I prefer animals to people anyway.
Yeah I had to bring it right back to the horse. And really part of the reason was I was thinking what happens when you dump 75 rounds of 7.62 when you mentioned earlier that there was a horse somewhere around there eating crab grass.
I don't know if you've ever been close to AK-47 while it's ripping a mag at full auto but without hearing protection. I can tell you if you're in the general vicinity. It is very very loud. In fact, most people who don't live places where gunshots are very regular occurrence. Do not realize how loud those m************ are. Someone blows off a magazine from AR-15 somewhere within about a mile and a half of here just about every night.. they have a distinctive report too. I can tell you the general caliber and distance of a pistol shot from my front window. I live on the second floor right now of a box Victorian made out of three course brick built in 1908. If someone did what happens in this story on the sidewalk outside of my house, it would sound like the world is ending really close.
Long story short gun's real loud if you're going to be a shooter, carry your protection kids. You don't want to die with your ears ringing.
The break is after he says gentlemen die well. Me and her really do work well together. This is late because of me.
I live in the UK - firearms of any kind aren't ubiquitous among civvies unless you're a farmer (lots of shotgun-owning sheep farmers where I live). I hear them occasionally. Not even close to the firearms you have written about.
My wife was military - it was very odd seeing her with an SA80 in her arms on guard duty, back in the day. But yes, I take your point - the ones you have written about are extremely loud, ear-bleeding weapons.
Well fuckle me my night is ruined after reading this. And it should be. The way ya'll made such grotesque imagery interwoven with pornographic technical authority-- it's hypnotic. The sad thing is, and I hate this about myself, but it was the death of the horse that kicked my empathy in the groin
the horse is fantastic... this sort of mechanism hits like in "my name is my name" with the barley field sections being such a different element to the main narrative. forcing you to engage with another perspective thats juddering the brain.
Hah, the horse was literally the point for me. Effective tool. It's even worse if you've ever seen a horse take a dive like that and end up dead from it. Right in the buttons.
I'm from Kentucky, so, yeah, that's why I used the horse... And oh yeah, right in the buttons.
When I was like 12 I accidentally killed a horse with a mango, this made me think of that.
you cant just leave that there Pablo. the people need the horse mango story....
Just one day when we were skipping class, we were walking downtown from school, shooting the shit.
Back then EVERYONE had a thing for throwing things from afar and try to hit (usually an unsuspecting person) a moving target.
Where I was from dude’s would fill 20oz bottles of water or soda with piss and throw those. Or balloons, filled with water and bleach, etc
Anyway, we were on our way actually walking the same road I describe in Raindrops on the final stretch. Grabbed a green mango (unripe) from the floor and saw a horse at the other side of the road. We’re talking half a baseball field worth of distance.
The horse’s cock was elephant trunking out and about.
So I said: Hey, check it out!
And threw the mango (again, I was far as shit) and the mango rocketed upwards and curved down—smacking the horse right on the cock.
Long story short, we found the horse dead two days later. Its dick got swollen and couldn’t retract so it got infected…
It wasn’t on purpose, and that’s the last time I threw something at anything random.
AND YOU KILLED IT BY HITTING ITS DICK? I mean... its awful the horse died but mango dick death... thats a story.
I'm sure this was pretty traumatic for you but oh. my. god... you have got to do something with this one day
It's very effective
We are on the same page there, I thought of that same scene, with the children and the combine?
There was this thing that upset me as a kid when the movie *Independence Day* came out and the aliens blow up the cities; people in the theater cheered at the mass scale massacre… but they held their breath for a golden retriever escaping the carnage. Don’t get me wrong, all good dogs are good dogs— but it struck me as insane that we cared more for that one animal then all of New York. The horse had a similar effect on me, I was so engrossed and shocked by the spectacle that the horse made me go “oh no”
I need to meditate on that
yep...the very same scene.
now when i read this
"There's a stray mustang gnawing crab grass"
i was like... that is a stunning way to describe a rusting (ford) mustang thats like head down in weeds, like its eating them... it instantly painted a picture for me of a rusting car, on its own, in a patch of weeds
i thought...that is beautiful. That is the horse! genius!
I snipped it ready to restack the genius of that one line...
.then i got to the end and realised IT WAS AN ACTUAL HORSE... THE HORSE WAS ACTUALLY A HORSE.
for me...long detailed description of guns makes me uncomfortable. I suppose this is partly the point. but the line about the horse is amazing. are you SURE it wasn't a car?
We definitely set out to make people uncomfortable.
That's their whole purpose. Forcing the brutality of these mass shootings into perspective so citizens have to witness the aftermath for themselves.
It's needed and you succeded
Damn, that's such a good line... And a great perspective. I try to put things like that in my writing all the time, but fuck, I had to tie it back to an actual horse. There's a point to why the horse dies, why he wonders where the horse went, and the speed with which the horse expires within the framework of the story. Think it over.
oh i did. had to read it all again of course. nothing without purpose... i know that.😎
Fucking savages -brutal and hypnotic and kept me going till the end
Now, bonus points, where's the break between me and Zani? Also, thank you!
im guessing its the guns business...or are you double bluffing us you pair of tricksters hmmm?
down a few comments.
I’d say yours is the choppy style and poetic is Dani . CHOP, CHOP, CHOP repetition feels like a different writer than the one describing the slow Z drawn in bullets. But I could be wrong because it meshed well
"Gentleman. Die well."
I took over from here.
Thank you, meshing well is what we aim for. I'll take that compliment and run with it.
A little further back.
I truly know nothing about guns.
Technically I own several?
But I barely knew enough to purchase the ones I need to track down. I'll only write about them in the vaguest terms, fuck up with weapons or cars and someone will notice every damn time.
For the record, Emil and I started talking about this idea before Luigi took out his target.
We have receipts.
The timing was just.. oh..
♤
Ave St. Luigi.