EMIL IS MY EDITOR: M.P. Fitzgerald
Look at me, I am your editor now.
THE ANTE
You buy an autopsy. You get in line. You get what you need done up. You get it returned. If you want, it doesn’t get posted. If you do, I post it. You rework what you wanted done up, you post it, I post it, we all boost it, your work gets a signal bump, I get paid, you get a professional editor and an in for any future work with me automatically because you saved my family’s ass when we needed saving.
THE STAKES
I’m in the home run of needing a lot of money to finish a move after a catastrophe ruined our apartment forcing us to move as fast as possible and I’m down about seven bands or so to feel comfortable moving. So, I need money or else this apartment and all associated costs for the family I pulled $10,000 out of thin air for with the help of the community is for nothing. We end up on the street. Quite literally at this point.
We have five days to pull this off, and yeah, we’re closer than we were, but not by a comfortable margin. Not at all. So, I’m gonna be out here doin’ my dance for change. Spanging on the internet.
THE FUTURE
Once a network is in place, we can do things with it. The community coalesced around me without knowing much about me in a time of great need. That garners my support of everyone who helped my family until I get my brains blown out (only a semi-likely scenario) I’m BIG on community building and self organizing support networks. I’ve built a few. I’ve started a few. A rising tide lifts all ships. And maybe we can help get the fiction tab out of the swamp Substack has put us in.
FICTION CREATES CULTURE
therefore
FICTION IS CULTURE
and so
WRITERS CREATE CULTURE
And what are we, but writers of fiction?
I am still taking editorial inquiries. For the next however long it takes until I feel comfortable, flat fees and cash talks and I’m negotiable up to a point.
Know your worth, but know when you have to compromise for the greater good, which for me, right now, is my tiny little family. My 73 year old moms, my amazing fiancee Edith Bow, our cats, and me.
Send inquiries to Emilottoman@gmail.com with EDITORIAL INQUIRY in the subject heading.
HERE is a link to get 25% off my yearly subscription FOREVER, good through April Fools.
And in honor of desperation and tax season, because I was born on tax day. (Ask me how many nicknames I’ve had.) And having survived to the age of 40, which I never expected.
HERE is a link to get 40% off one year of my Substack, good through April, 15.
And direct support is always appreciated as long as I know who to thank for it
Special Thanks
This idea was brought to a slow rolling start from inception by
Tom Schecter, whose debt I wallow in eternally, and organized in full without me even being involved for weeks by him and Zani D, ARC , M.P. Fitzgerald - Graphomania, Nick Winney , E.K. MacPherson (who has sadly disappeared and that worries me), Simpulacra , World of Warfield, and Zivah Avraham.
Thank you all. I’m deep in debt to all of you. And I’ve never not paid a debt and then made more of it.
Cacoethes Scribendi
Nihil Perditi
Love wins/Violence Provides
FUCK IT, WE EDIT
Second in line was
because he’s dope and he writes dope shit. The first week that I did The Editorial Autopsies he sent me a story that was so metacontextually complex and zonky that it almost gave me a nosebleed. I almost sent back an email like “fuck you, I’m an editor, not a lit mag, go submit this, here’s a list.” It was this. Read it.
This was the first week of the autopsy experiment. Roko’s Lathe(tm) is so dense and conceptual that editing it would be a happy nitpicking nightmare. It DID get my attention, and since then it’s been a bunch of hot cryptid on Muppet action.
When
started his series of authors championing other authors on Substack I was honored that the second piece was someone writing about me! And it was Muppet Pendleton Fitzgerald the Third. If you don’t subscribe to his Substack, you’re missing out on some amazing writing already. Seriously, go check him out.
BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS SHIT IS ABOUT
For his paid entry for this project? Sure, call it a project. Experiment? (God, when is that pack coming in)
From his email: It is 4 of 5 pages of my story "Unalive on Air".
Lemme know if you got any questions.
Take care, bud,
-Fitz
The prose is already tight. The concept is cash. The story is tight. It’s a five page banger and he left his fucking EDITOR on a cliffhanger! Bastard. It falls directly in my wheelhouse, ripe for minimalist dirty tricks, a lot of which come out in the dev and line pass, so, if you’re reading this, you’ll get tricky secrets too. Some I even explain how they work! This was fun for me, and I look forward to his revision.
If you can’t do the up down up down below is a link to the actual edited document to peruse at your leisure. It contains all the same things as here, but you don’t have to fight for the sugar rush and dopamine hits (doubly so on mobile)
FIND THE EDITED GOOGLE DOC AT THIS LINK
And now the story. It’s just over four pages long and 1,919 words or so. Hopefully he’s working on it right now so I don’t look like an ass saying he is and I hope to see what he does with the story AND how it ends.
THE TEXT
Unalive on Air1 (title pending, 4 of 5 pages)2
Raw onion.3 Old trick.4 Jump5 up and down 'cause that's where the momentum is. The audience won't see me do it, but they'll feel it once the camera's rolling. Crying hides cocaine sniffles;6 7sells shit too.8 Reach in to rub it on your face one more time and your pants pocket is wet from the onion bleeding out.9 You like to start the second you end your third jump, get rambling, get selling, anticipating the hard thud on your feet but the onion slips— flies right out your hand.10
That onion11 which could've been someone's lunch?12 It13 soars over the merchandise table, pays no mind to the Pug-sized14 carousel presenting the merch15 as it16 flings17 through18 the sound stage19 and hits Michael, the camera guy, in the knee.20 It sticks on his pants leg in place before oozing down,21 same as your snot down the back of your throat.22 "What the fuck Casey?!" Mike's saying hands up.23
I need that onion to cry.24 Learned it from an actress between sweaty takes out in Toronto.25 She'd cut an onion in half so the juices flow26 then huff it for subtle award-winning cries or rub it on her face for big dramatic weeping.27 Me?28 I need it for I just got off the phone, Dad's dead-tears.29 Fascist Camera Man Mikey30 telling me no time. Live in five.31
Script calls for Look at me! This memory has me in tears, because subtly doesn’t sell and instead I'm saying, "It's not mine, but it will stay with me like it is for a lifetime… and it can be yours."32 Off the cuff?33 Not bad. Not great though.34 Keep them guessing to keep eyes on the screen, but can't be a mystery for too long or they'll lose interest, change the channel.35 "You're gonna want to slip this chip to the back of your skull and live what's inside faster than a virgin cums,"36 M-Dawg's shaking his head at that one.37 The more Camera One hates it, the more the buyer'll love to hate it.38 "We're selling the lived experiences of one of the greats!”39
Reach in the dry pocket and we're pulling out the point five oh-my-god single action revolver40 so heavy your belt’s gotta be tight as shit to keep the pants from coming down,41 and I'm saying: "Welcome back to Buy Shit or Else,"42 slam the gun on the table, camera's a tunnel to the viewer's soul, stare straight into it.43 "America's only Russian Roulette-style Consumutainment Show, hi! I'm Casey Schmidt."44
The onion's finally45 rolled off Michael's shoe and towards you stenching cheap cheeseburger smell up the whole stage.46 Don't get distracted, make do without it. Show the camera the bullet in your manicured hand.47 Ignore the smile Paid by the Hour Mike makes when you do.48 Say,49 "The only show where if you don't buy," drop the bullet into the cylinder, "I die."50
Schtick’s sticks better with the Big Cry.51 Tears stinging eyes with snot down your puckered lips as spit is tossed out with a gun to your head and the audience feels so bad for you they have no choice.52 Tap and buy.53 Snot’s back of the throat though. 54Skinny actress gave you the onion tip because55 you can't cry on command either, 56so tears ain't happening.57 Spit as you talk happens no matter what, though.58 Hands on your hips with elbows out and you look as confident as Superman feels. 59"We're selling the memories of the last living president before a bullet scrambled his brains,"60 jump up your chin, smile, make Michael beg for it. The more the cameraman wants you to die, the more folks watching on their phones wanna be you. 61"Three days’ wage and you'll feel like you were the president."62
Spin that cylinder.63 Selling don't work without time constraints. Urgency is your second-best tool, sure, but foreplay’s better.64 Make their eyes follow the gun as you place it down next to the carousel and let the shiny steel-brushed65 brainchip do a whole rotation as you build tension by saying shit all.66
Script says You deserve to fill your heart with patriotism, what's three days’ wage compared to national pride? but my teeth have bottom lip between them and they67 want to meet.68 Fat-faced Mike with the Grease Beard is licking his lip like this'll be the day you'll do it. Scramble your own brain. Look past and behind Never Finished Collage Mikey-boy to the large digital counter to see it has gone up…69 but he might be right. 70Script says Act now and we'll throw in a memory of the late president making sweet American Godgiven love to his glorious wife and First Lady because you've earned it, but you taste dirty gold wedding ring blood ‘cause you bit your lip too hard.71 Use it.72
"This chip was so profound I forgot to take it out," I tell73, shifting my weight in my comfy leather shoes74 toward the spinning chip at the height of my crotch,75 "this one here's not the one I demoed. Means there's no blank chip recording my own memories."76 My lotioned hand picks up the gun77. I press the muzzle to my temple78: "Means if you cockmouthers ever want to buy a memory of me dying you'll have to save my ass today and buy buy buy!"79
Camera Loser One's shoulders drop as the counter ramps up.80 Script calls for81 what a steal this all is, what the price of assassination and POV First Lady ass-fucking should be,82 but you're pacing back and forth silent as an angry mime instead.83 Look past Disappointed Mike and the numbers84 could85 be higher. No one's had the big O yet.86 More foreplay?87
Product’s not the death of a tyrant anymore, it's Death of a Salesman.88 You handsome, straight-dicked bastard,89 you made the product you again! Product’s got to be front and center90 so you jump on top of the table.91 Feel your92 teeth swimming in blood and spit and snot93, the94 bottom of your lip aches from self-violence.95 Swallow it all and sit down,96 nothing between you and the camera but the onion leaving a snail trail on the hard concrete floor.97 Kid on a swing kicking his legs back in forth is what you do because the cocaine is so goddamn pure.98
This is the part on a sales page where all of the buyer's testimonials would be.99
This pill saved our marriage ‘cause now I'm harder than a priest at Kids’ Catechism— and it's organic too! ★ ★ ★ ★100
Instead, streaming live, you got me and a stand-in for the buyer.101 Someone the seller can talk to that's pretty, can keep a secret, and says Gee, wow! Isn’t this perfect for Nana? Point is that you ease the buyer's doubt with social proof.102 Script calls for the skinny actress to inspect the brain chip by placing her hands on her knees and bending slow-like ’til her bare cleavage is at product level and say I'd pay big money for that experience!103 emphasis on big104 as105 she turns her elbows into her chest mashing her tits forward.106 But now she's still in Toronto, isn't she?
Instead107 I say, "Yeah, you can record my death and re-watch my skull shatter, but without a brainchip recording this108 you won't get to know the good stuff." My thumb is so well manicured you'd never know I bite my nails on my weekend109 and this magnificent thumb pulls the hammer down.110 Like the skinny actress' squished tits I got the barrel leveled where I want you to look; my dilated eyes.111 "Stuff like; did he shit his pants when he died?” I say,112 "stuff like; was he thinking about his wife and kids?" Eyelids come tight as locked doors113 and I pull the trigger.114
"Dammit," Asshole Beardo says.115
"The next one's gonna kill me,"116 thumb feels for the divet117, then it’s pulling the hammer again. A firmed ass magician's assistant taught me that the trick to knowing the bullet’s place when you play Russian Roulette on yourself is you file down a divet on the outside of the cylinder. Before her unwashed hand was in my mouth, she showed me how to feel for the divet without being obvious and told me to always load the bullet there.118
If I can’t find the divet then the bullet’s either six ‘o clock at the hilt or twelve ‘o clock I die.119
The audience isn’t reacting.120 I can see it past Mike as the sales slow.121 Jump down from the table and I start pacing back and forth.122 "Was I thinking about my wife as I fucked that pretty Vegas girl with a nice ass, or was I thinking about thatskinny actress?123
Script calls for— oh who gives a fuck?124
"You've been working hard,"125 gun to my head I say, “you've been keepin' up on all of those subscriptions, sacrificing at work so that you're little tikes— mine are named Brimbo and Sally…”126 my other hand is flat at the waist to show Brimbo’s height,127 “he just started to read, Brimbo's small for his age, you know?"128 Could be that the numbers aren't high enough, could be that I sense my end is here and I can't help129 but share all of this. Confess. No priest to give me my last rites, instead I ramble at Michael.130 Could be the cocaine.131
"You've been so hard at work to make sure your tikes can watch the Murder Muppets on the premium streaming, you can get something for yourself. You've earned it. Hell, you'd be buying the most patriotic historic artifact this side of the Enola Gay and, this part is important; you deserve to have the chance to buy a POV recording of my live-streamed unaliving.”132
Can’t piss off the ad buyers, you know?133
Make them hate you more because you’re losing them. Too much mystery, too much action out of the gate. Michael's smiling, no need to check the counter. My bottom lip's not bleeding anymore or I'm blind to the taste of wedding rings. I'm hammering the floor with my comfy leather shoes as I u-turn to more pacing.134 Feet feel sweaty, so do my hands135 as136 the gun's weight reminds me it's the bigger cock.137
Make them hate you as much as I hate me.138
"I love my kids," I tell,139 "I love my wife," I plead,140 filed divet not found under chewed nails.141 "Really, I do. And I loved her too, that skinny slut, I really did. Loved the vodka with lemon she'd sneak over to me before takes, the way she'd pat my head, tell me I was a good boy after I'd cum. And that other bitch had to ruin it!142
"You want to feel my gut wrench, heart drop, and know— actually know I how bad I feel, the guilt, the loathing, the heavyweight shame punching me in the stomach right now? Buy. It's the only way you'll know how much my life is in ruin.143 That bitch. What happens in Vegas stays in blah blah MY ASS it does! Studio just so happens to hire that twenty-something we were weak around one time144 because of that firm ass145 and then they fly her out to perform magic tricks at our quarterly team-building retreat and she sees me googly-eyed for the only woman to ever pat me on the head and tells.146 Tells her, and of course girls gotta stick together…”147
FIN.
Thanks to
for being second in line after . Subscribe to his hilarious and disturbing Substack .If you pay attention you might notice that I go into what looks like a lot more proscriptive detail on structure and line work in this piece. This is an issue you’ll run into when you’re working on something that is already very polished, or something DEAD ASS flat fuck in the middle of your wheelhouse. The other thing is a short story has to be tight, the form is an art in and of itself, you really need style and voice in a short story because it’s not economical without it, because you only have so many points, one, maybe two, you’re going to be making with a piece this short. And when you need that sort of economy of meaning you can’t waste words. A lot of times in any fiction, we use crutches and bypasses to work around what we’re really meaning to say. A lot of time in a first draft this may just be habitual. You’ve seen it before, it works, if it works and you’ve seen it before, it can work for you, yes? In theory, yeah.
But you’re not trying to JUST write something. If you’re talking to someone like me, or if you’re operating in the same spheres as me you’re trying to tell a story, but there has to be art in it. In art you don’t get to use the shortcuts.
Inspect your work. Inspect what you’re trying to say. This is why I’m always saying that writing is intentional. First drafts are allowed to look however they look, you’re writing in a different mode. Some people write first drafts that look nothing like what you see on the page, some people write tight first drafts. Some people ONLY write one draft, and it all depends on the situation, the story, the writer, the entire complex system that IS your life. But you have to do it a way that isn’t the same way you’ve seen it done enough times before that someone like me who’s read half the library is going to see it and groan. You want to say it the way that only YOU can. Not every sentence.
Some things just have to do a job. Even sentences.
But ideally, the majority of a short story should have as few moments where I feel familiar to the story as possible because that’s the discovery of it. When you say it different, when you twist it, when you create a portmanteau, clash, use burnt tongue, create a unique framing device for something you can’t think of having done before, that’s when you’re hot.
There’s a million ways to fuck this chicken. Find your way to fuck it. That goes for anyone still reading.
I can’t wait to see the next draft Fitz. Thank you for your support.
I will be your editor, if you want me.
But remember.
FICTION IS CULTURE
I'm goin' in. Love the title.
You're good, I can already tell I'm going to have to use the editing suite for some fine grained details on bean counting bullshit, congrats.
Man this is too good, I'm going to have to get really technical. But at least it won't take me five hours (I ate and fucked off inbetween last comment and this.)
Ok, well, I want that last page, goddamn.
Good.
Needs more place, more build, but great open. You know how to cut the prose up. Think something like.
Raw onion. Backstage. Old trick. Jumping up and down. Gettin' loose cuz that's where the momentum is. Deep Breath.
The audience won't see me do it, but they'll feel it once the camera's rolling.
You got so many options for choruses or reverbs or all the happy dirty minimalist tricks here it's insane. This is already near pub quality. Fuck off, you have like, 3x the subscribers I do. You charming bastard.
Not just filler, but to start, it's also something that gives authority. What kind of onion does he like to use? What types of onions did he find work best. Are there different onions that work for different things for him? Yeah, I just did that. You take these factual details and you pepper them like buckshot through the first few paras. up until he learns the trick from the actress.
Keep
cut, period.
move this down. You want to go back to the onion as soon as you can.
Reach in your pants to rub the onion on your face one more time and the pocket is wet from the onion bleeding out. Suggestion.
Cut you, we're in there. Like to start the second you land on the third jump. Rewrite this a little bit. There's just a bit of awkwardness. Shorten the paras down to their essences since the story is so short. This is a para. Trust me. Expand on it just a little or do some rewording. Keep it kinetic, add a detail about setting. Concrete floor. frigid air conditioning. Something. It'll hit mark.
Hell, add something about hitting the mark.
Pure Palahniuk, keep.
The onion that could have been someone's lunch. (in this case #1 that's an absurd line and #2, sometimes you cannot avoid "that" Yeah, I know how much I go on about it.
The onion slips out of my hand and soars. (You want to say onion three times here, rule of threes. Minimalist shit, trust me, it's effective.)
flies over, passes over. Don't anthropomorphize it. I can't stress this enough, don't anthropomorphize the onion or the onion loses value.
with the merch spinning in slow circles under perfect lighting, or to that effect. Lose pug-sized, it sounds weird. Make it important somehow that this onion goes where it goes, which is out of his fuckin' hand.
cut replace with arcs, descends, something but no "as it" Reads like dead weight.
The story is over the top, so give this an over the top detail too. It doesn't fling, it wasn't flung, at least on purpose. Find a better word, if you need, add a better descriptor to modify the verb.
across
The entire, or such, make it seem really bad already. This isn't a telegraph, this is what we call burying the gun. (Even if you unbury the gun like, a second later.)
We're gonna have words about Michael. But yeah, good. How about, in his fat fucking knee, of all goddamn places.
Shorten this but make the detail about it more crisp and precise. Sticks on his pants leg, pauses to laugh at me, and slides slimy down his leg.
Same as the coke drip at the back of my throat. Put something in this prelude about numb faces. A numb face has to be part of the story. You're the muppet master, make it happen.
Lose the quotes, fat mike's all the way behind camera one saying what the fuck Casey with his hands up conducting a fucking orchestra.
Crying hides cocaine sniffles, and it helps you sell shit too. Do a callback.
Single sentence para "I need that onion to cry."
New para.
One more detail about the old actress. Something important. I don't know what, find it in there. We know soon why it's REAL important he can cry. Was she an award winner, an also ran? Give one perfect detail about her.
You've worked in kitchens... You make pizzas. You damn well have to squeeze it to get any real action out of an onion. If you want to go deeper, fuck, we can get there later.
Be precise. I can rub my cat on my face and get claws or get purrs. Rub it in circles on her cheeks, something like that.
End para.
Dad's not just dead, what's the perfect detail, to make this sing.
OK, we're gonna have to do that commit to a bit thing here, because while I enjoy the play with Mike's name I'd pick something after one or two of these and stick with it. Here he can be fat fascist camera man mikey, but after that stick to fat mike or something of the like, just for continuity sake.
Do a whole studio countdown here and add in the small details, they'll give you authority out the ASS
Cocaine logic. This is another place I would use a dirty minimalist trick.
(I'm manipulative, but so are you so no shaming me.)
"The script says I say blah blah blah but I'm saying." Along with the rest of it, chef's kiss.
cut, know it's off the cuff.
You can cut some of these paras up just a bit. Short choppy paras also make me think cocaine for some reason. Two things would make me think of cocaine, wall of text, or short choppy paras.
Give him more cocaine grandiosity mixed with a hint of existential dread. He's the star, he's also about to die probably.
"in" the back of your skull. "virgin cums after prom"
Or to that effect. One detail, one detail always makes it. It's why I stress adding things like, ONE PERFECT DETAIL. So think about it longer.
Stick to a naming bit. I'd have him pull the cut across the neck while he shakes his head.
single sentence para.
You ever read Rant by Chuck Palahniuk? Another single sentence para.
Good move to fourth person (hah, yeah, we is fourth person) OK, go find a single action revolver, now describe it with some perfect surface details and some authority besides the fact that it's big. Lose the italics. The gun is now the onion. Feel free to look up what guns do to human heads and include the most fascinating and disturbing details you can about what will happen. What kind of gun did R Bud Dwyer use, have you seen that video? Explain somewhere, for the love of god, that there IS ALWAYS MORE BLOOD THAN YOU WOULD EVER THINK.
Keep or toss, but implied. Also, any revolver worth blowing your bains out he'd have tucked in back of his pants.
End para here.
Give a noise. But this is a para. Maybe go deeper on the stare. Cocaine deep, if you know what I mean... If not, ask.
Perfect, keep this standalone
You get ONE FINALLY IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AS AN AUTHOR AND THIS IS NOT IT, REWRITE.
there has to be something here about mocking him. I mean, the onion is his end. contrast the onion to the gun maybe. I don't know.
Hold up the bullet by two fingers in your perfect manicured hand for the camera to zoom in on of to the effect.
Choose a name for fat mike the camera fuck. Ignore the (Mikes?) (shit eating?) there has to be a descriptor on the smile. He sorta wants Casey to clap himself, obvi, so it can't JUST be a smile, this demands it be more than JUST a smile ___ when you do. What do they call this shot. This is a presentation shot. A reveal. Name what's going on precisely. Look up obscure terminology. Ask Chat GPT (I'm a heretic, but fuck 'em. a research tool is a research tool. Live fast eat trash die gassed.)
Cut. Add in a dramatic beat that doesn't involve say. It IS a dramatic beat. He's not opened the pistol yet. Have him do that with a flourish. As he prepares to put the bullet in, maybe he points the gun back at his own face with the cylinder out, the cylinder in front of his eye, gives it a spin, possibilities are endless. But give this some business because it's important.
That business should be intercut for maximum effect between the main clauses of this dialogue.
And I've never met a wheel gun you can drop a round in, they have to be pushed in. This is an important point. Make it sexy. It IS sexy. Zoom in on that penetration. Bullet loads are hot.
But he's on cocaine and doesn't have his onion. "This whole schtick sticks better with the Big Cry." something like that, reads smoother on the tongue.
Go deeper on the sensory details here. Quivering lips. Puckering lips. hot tears baking getting baked into his stage makeup. Etc.
Use this more than once. Rule of threes. It'll be effective if intercut with how the bit works better with the crying and all but instead he's got coke snot running down his throat and his face is numb and he's biting through his lip and shaking.
Sits strange, cut or move or reword. Instructions vague, got dick stuck in ceiling fan.
The skinny actress in Toronto gave you the onion tip because she can't cry on command and you can't cry on command either. (Callback)
And you can't cry without the onion
The onion is on the studio floor laughing at you.
Here I'd move back to first maybe. Spit flies out your mouth when you talk no matter what though. That's not part of the onion thing. or to that effect.
Fuck the superman simile, go into power poses. Give that subject a moment, gives authority, they're a real thing, maybe mention at the end or somewhere in there it's not working.End para.
This is a para. Almost all the actual dialogue in this piece can get its own paras.
This is great, it's also a para.
Add business about something. Somewhere in here. No, never mind this comment, next para.
Pick up the gun, give him some business, cocaine business, walk back and forth in a little circle or some shit. Give him more dialogue here. Another Script says I say would go well.
Then make this a para, expand it a bit. Why doesn't selling work without time constraints. This is CVS but with suicide. OK, introduce the clock, the counter, put it at something low, because the stakes are low. Feel free to use real numbers. Go as low as you want, but make it big red fuck off numbers he can see.
Have him snap the cylinder shut first, this is sort of important. Once you have a clock set, you can pace yourself. Said it yourself, urgency is the second best tool. Numbers jump when he snaps the cylinder.
Tension cooks, have him watch the numbers go up here while the tension builds and give him one second of relaxation before heading into the middle section where it starts to fall apart, this would basically be the end of act 1 of the short story.
Script says I say moment but here would be the break. See where I'm going? (I cannot tell you how effective all these things are but I can tell you go read Chuck's first five books and look out for what I'm telling you about, once you're in the club it stands out.)
I love this but make it more explicit that he's chewing through his lip. unless you want this to be real awkward looking for the crowd, specify the inside of his bottom lip, otherwise visualize it for a second.... Yeah, see.
See above suggestions and work towards them. Take the ellipses out back and shoot it. They have a very specific purpose, it's something I'm a psycho about. They imply something left unsaid. That's why they exist.
Give the number it's gone up by a number, and then move to this. "It has gone up from 226 to 228 and he might be right.
This would complete the script says but I say cycle wonderfully.
single this out, two word one sentence para.
Give me more of something. He's using this but it's a desperation move.
details
put the chip on velvet or something, under glass lit by lights.
Good.
Here like the comfy Italian shoes, the lotion, name it, I mean, he's also doing the grandiose coke thing. Only have his hand pick up the gun if you can justify not having the action in a non-passive verb construct, like if he's fucked up about it. But he can't SAY he's fucked up about it.
Detail on the feeling. Ever hold a loaded gun to your own head? Okay, maybe maybe not, but remember how fucking bad that felt, or imagine it, if not, trust me, it's real bad, worse on cocaine, probably horrific if it's your job and you need to cry.
Cut the colon. Then para this dialogue.
Please work. Or to that effect. Then move to the shoulder drop and the number bump.
See script, but now we're off it TOTALLY
You already committed to italics for this
Italicize the first part but when it goes to him ranting go back to non italics.
backwards syntax, but you're pacing back and forth instead, a silent angry mime.
Good clock, maybe have an actual goal. Numbers create more tension than the suggestion of them.
should
Give this more reference, or say something better like no one's jizzed their pants yet, no one's something that sounds more relevant.
Decent.
Perfect.
New para. do these three in a descending line,
so that they go down a little each time
make them their own sentence
the product is you again
etc.
PAGE IS A CANVAS. There's a psychological effect at work here but it's too late for me to explain it so just trust me.
This could be the end too. This would make more descent, but the trick is all the descending lines NEED to be on one page for it to work. Good luck.
Cocaine is a helluva drug. He's a tv host. Show pony. Fit. Box jumps. Crossfit pays off. More detail here, but just enough. (Watch someone doing box jumps, take notes. Get a detail or two right.)
cut.
coke snot
cut
invisible self mutilation.
I'd have him smile and a buncha blood pours out of his mouth because what a scene! then swallow the rest but hey, that's just me.
Aside from snail trail, make it more obvious that the onion is still flat face down and very, very slow sliding. Leaving his tears on the concrete floor maybe. Tears he needed.
back'n'forth something about fishscale, 98%, diesel, numb face, pure pure, so white it's yellow or silver (the two colors of truly good pure cocaine, depending on solvent)
I like it.
Wait though, about the cocaine, or the chip, make it clear. If chip, more, if not, just keep this one.
expand.
Like this, but details on his current status, just one or two.
Give her an entrance. Give her character. Even if it's a bimbo. Even if the details are just physical (COCAINE!) Have her ENTER the scene, then go into the stand in for the buyer bit, or intro her as the stand in for the buyer, and details. Et al.
Visual details on the actress, or THIS actress at least. The Script says that she, the skinny actress. (I really want you to commit to "the script says" as a command for some reason, don't ask why.)
italics why not, it fits.
replace with "and"
while this is true and logical, is it the tone? Mashing her surgically perfected tits up between her arms, out, right in the buyer's face. something of the like.
She's in Toronto and I'm here so I say or to the effect, the close echo which I'd usually nix would work here
extrapolate on this, what is "this" What is being recorded. A full brain image? A video capture of consciousness? It doesn't have to be hard science, just make it brief and believable.
on the weekend. This is a single para.
Have him own his thumb unless he's freaking out bad and you've shown it through either his erratic behavior, his voice, or his interiority.
cut the semicolon for a comma. Keep. Gold. But also, single para.
unless you modify this to show desperation or put the clock to it, you don't need "I say" you can single para each line of dialogue because he's the sole speaker and no one will be confused.
Right vibe, wrong wording.
Add in a click, maybe have him exhale. Something. This if anything, would make him maybe in spite of the onion, nearly cry. If you can get him to the brink of crying the piece carries more gravitas even if he's hoovered all that cocaine.
I'd have him mouth it under his breath, also, pick a name for fat mike the camera guy.
Single.
Move this down.
I'd go with the objectivization that's been going on because firm ass magician's assistant sounds weird. A magician's assistant with a firm round ass taught me (cut that) the trick to knowing the bullet's spot when you play Russian Roulette on yourself is to file down a scratchy little divot on the outside of the cylinder's edge where it's impossible to see. etc.
Why was her hand in his mouth? Maybe foot? That'd be weird. Also, that sentence is backwards. "She showed me how to.... beefore she stuck her unwashed __ in my mouth" (Why did she do that!?) (That particular syntax and grammar is more Germanic than English, by the way. The more you know.
Cut then.
Because the number is only clicking 251, 252, 253. Not jumping. or similar.
"I see it past Mike, the sales slowing." use a clock, I'm telling you, missed a great tool for tension here.
Clip these. Jump down from the table. Pace back and forth across the stage.
Is this coke madness, or did he cheat twice? Make more clear. Give him some business. Wave the gun. Hold the sides of his head, comment on how it fucks his hair but that wouldn't matter if a bullet traversed his cranium.
Script says I say I don't give a fuck what it says I say or similar. This sort of sentence sounds like it would sound repetitive, but if you only do it once, in the right place, you can get away with it and it strikes a great cord because of the lilting near alliteration and repetition of it.
Great, give him business, he should point the gun down, swing it down like a hammer, then raise it up to his head. opinion.
Great, give him business, he should point the gun down, swing it down like a hammer, then raise it up to his head. opinion.
This is him going crazy, but also it's him at his most vulnerable. Have him own any action here for authority. I hold my hand out flat palm down at my waist to show how tall Brimbo is, or similar.
You can also mention Sally.
Geat, cut the that's, "help myself."
Never say the quiet part out loud unless you do it with verve. Return to the script, but the script says that he says that I'm a shit husband, the script says confess to my sins, the script says I don't get last rites from a priest, just Fat Mike behind the camera and stage lights hot enough the devil is sweating waiting for my brains to hit the air conditioned studio atmosphere. or the like, but never, ever say this quiet part out loud unless you do it on script but also off the rails.
Then throw this out there on its own, just a single sentence para.
Love it, maybe add in a few more manic touches. "You know, you've EARNED it.
I love this but something about how the sentence is written actually doesn't hit right for where his head is at. Rewrite with his mental state in mind since you're in first POV.
Give each sentence a para, the line return builds tension and slows the read in theory, but the look of shorter lines makes it SEEM fast. More psychology I can't get into right now, it's 2 in the morning.
period. at end, new para.
cut
Perfect standalone
Perfect line.
If you're going with this structure here at what's essentially the climax, go with "I tell you" maybe
New Para, I plead with you
Can't find a filed divet anywhere on the cylinder under my chewed nails.
Own para. Close the quote
Expand with a few details, be precise. Surgical.
Objectification, show him as contradictory, he IS on a lotta cocaine and probably about to blow his brains out.
Give details on the ass, yes, I'm a pig, but secretly so is everyone else, and it adds to the grotesquerie of this theatre of cruelty.
You may have buried this detail a little TOO deep, because I almost didn't catch it.
Kill the ellipses. Great end spot. Wanna see the finished product. (two options in my mind, he pulls the trigger and it is empty, he's just done all this for nothing. The reader expects this, that's the point, right? Option two, he blows his brains out, this is unexpected aside from the fact that, well, it's what he's worried about. That led to this, so it's another natural ending. But I have a third option. He's on cocaine. Have him shoot Mike dead as fuck. After this confession, that's the one thing the reader WILL NOT see coming, so it was my first thought on how to end the story.)
Godspeed Fitz. Great piece, loved working on it until... 220 AM.
And remember, Emil is your editor.
 | A guest post by
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The editorial past that I gave you was a pass that I would give someone if I was looking to publish their work. It was the shine this up so that I can put it out into the world pass. It was the God Blake Butler is right. I really need to start a literary magazine on the internet so that I can publish whatever the hell I want pass okay.
I, Muppet Pendelton Fitzgerald, am happy and honored to have been ripped apart on the table and to have you as an editor. Thank you for the edits, Emil, these are tremendously helpful, I can't say that enough. You're a genius
For anyone else reading this, I need you to do two things. First: don't be a coward-- go hire this man! Emil's edits are my best-spent dollars this year. If you are thinking of doing it, DO IT! Do it now! The education alone is worth five times the price.
Second: He's a damn fine editor because he is a tremendously talented author of fiction FIRST. Hire him, help him and his family AND THEN GO READ HIS STORIES! The "Everett Hypothesis" gave me a creative panic attack. "My Name is My Name" is phenomenal. Read everything he writes!