EMIL IS MY EDITOR: NICK WINNEY
Measuring Violence & Where we Are, with Nick Winney
Look at me, I am your editor now.
THE ANTE
You buy an autopsy. You get in line. You get what you need done up. You get it returned. If you want, it doesn’t get posted. If you do, I post it. You rework what you wanted done up, you post it, I post it, we all boost it, your work gets a signal bump, I get paid, you get a professional editor and an in for any future work with me automatically because you saved my family’s ass when we needed saving.
THE STAKES
I’m in the home run of needing a lot of money to finish a move after a catastrophe ruined our apartment forcing us to move as fast as possible and I’m down about seven bands or so to feel comfortable moving. So, I need money or else this apartment and all associated costs for the family I pulled $10,000 out of thin air for with the help of the community is for nothing. We end up on the street. Quite literally at this point.
THE FUTURE
Once a network is in place, we can do things with it. The community coalesced around me without knowing much about me in a time of great need. That garners my support of everyone who helped my family until I get my brains blown out (only a semi-likely scenario) I’m BIG on community building and self organizing support networks. I’ve built a few. I’ve started a few. A rising tide lifts all ships. And maybe we can help get the fiction tab out of the swamp Substack has put us in.
FICTION CREATES CULTURE
therefore
FICTION IS CULTURE
and so
WRITERS CREATE CULTURE
And what are we, but writers of fiction?
I am still taking editorial inquiries. For the next ten or so days flat fees and immediate cash talks and I’m negotiable up to a point.
Know your worth, but know when you have to compromise for the greater good, which for me, right now, is my tiny little family. My 73 year old moms, my amazing fiancee
, our cats, and myself.Send inquiries to Emilottoman@gmail.com with EDITORIAL INQUIRY in the subject heading if you should want.
AND HERE IS A 25% DISCOUNT ON MY YEARLY SUBSCRIPTION
That offer is good until March 21, the day we’re supposed to move in. After that, it’s a ghost.
(And direct support is always appreciated, as long as I know who to thank for it.)
Special Thanks
This idea was brought to a slow rolling start from inception by
, whose debt I will be eternally in, and organized in full without me even being involved for weeks by him and , , , , E.K. MacPherson (who has sadly disappeared and that worries me), , , and .Thank you all. I’m deep in debt to all of you. And I’ve never not paid a debt and then made more of it.
Cacoethes Scribendi
Nihil Perditi
Love wins/Violence Provides
FUCK IT, WE EDIT
was the first in line, so his work is presented first. He sent me 5k words of a part of a novel he claims to have been working on for 15 years (on the low end.) I will let him introduce it.“Hey Emil
hope all is well and you are settling into the new pad?(I was not, moving day is still a ways off, if I was in the new pad, god, I’d be so fucked) - here is what I sent before + text of the cover email:- (I had asked him to re-send it after
’s Birthday weekend)I think I was 1st or 2nd in the queue, but honestly I'm not precious about it. (He was indeed first. Jumping the gun in glorious fashion.)
Since sending you this, you put out your high intensity killing ballet, which is effectively what I was trying myself to achieve in this part of this novel I have been writing bits of for years now - but this is 15-20 years old now, so... (So now you get to put in work)
very best regards
N
TEXT OF ORIGINAL COVER EMAIL
Hoping all is well with you (as well as can be expected)
Much as I am loving the AUTOPSY and writing loads of short stories and harvesting your advice to others like a shameless leech (Nick is a bit self effacing, but it’s part of his charm), what I really want/need to do is get a novel written.
SO who better to ask to review a short section to see if you think I have what it takes in terms of the style/quality and also the nature of the story itself - its going to take me a lot of time to write whatever one I choose to put on the block so if this is not looking good, I can look at something else.
So this is the first part (most of it) of an 8500 odd word chapter from something ive been writing bits of over a long long time. There are a few pieces of this total body of work already on my stack. - I dont think you have read them
keeping to 2500 words and 5 pages (well its 2548 words I think, but its 5 pages) (I don’t care, that’s barely an overage. And you have to end somewhere semi logical)
The novel has no name (yet) on stack, the three chunks of this I put out to barely a ripple are called Jiro Jones parts I, II and III - (I have indeed not read any of it, but now I will)
if this sample catches you eye, then there are another 6000 words you can get into if you want - the action is relentless. but I think the dialogue is a flaky and I already know its got too many adverbs and "Thats" in it, probably. (It indeed did catch my eye, but message me about that, or email me an official inquiry, if you have cash, I’m flat fuck needing it and I’m pulling days long enough to make
glare at me)Just let me know what suits you in terms of a run over - I know you have a lot on your plate and I do not want to add pressure to that powder keg so no rush no hurry. (This is the sort of polite I expect from the English but rarely get. Especially since I’m from the US, thanks Nick.)
Wishing you the very best (And you as well)
So with the introductions out of the way I will say that the story part needed some help. By his own accounts Nick is not a weapons enthusiast, and it shows. However he does do some things that are very right. Considering the possible age of the prose, the piece is quite solid in concept. The largest issue I found was a solid sense of space and place, which when you aspire to write complex action, unless you’re being very expressionistic about it (he decidedly was not, it’s not his style. He’s a surreal fabulist who writes lovely horror and has improved as a writer by leaps and bounds since I saw his first work on the platform, but expressionistic he is not. His work is firmly grounded. As such, I found myself with plenty of ground to cover.)
I will present the edit in it’s usual form as per the Autopsies, but I will also include a hard link to a copy of the document so you may go through it and see it the same way I do while working. That link is directly below.
NICK WINNEY: EMIL IS MY EDITOR - Google Doc for Viewing (You may want to go here, this one has 170+ notes… You’ve been warned)
And now, the rest. He will be working in the coming days on a new draft of this after he gets over the fact that it has 178 inline comments on it.
THE TEXT
Jiro1 rounded the corner of the stairs on what he thought had to be the top floor.2 He leaned back into the wall, balancing the tray of bao buns in one hand, steadying himself with the other on the banister behind.3 He gritted his teeth, closed his eyes hard and pressed his head against the cool concrete of the stairwell.4 From around the corner,5 he began to hear6 muffled thuds and scraping7 sounds8; low voices in a language he couldn’t quite make out.9
What the fucking fuck am I doing?10
He edged up the steps, leaning into the wall all the time.11 Rounding the next corner, he could see an apartment door above facing into the hall.12 All sound stopped.13 He listened, closing his eyes.14 In his mind15 he saw the face of the girl he had seen, for a second, staring at him from inside the crate. Could it have been Kimi?16
Silence.17 With the tightness of fear in his throat18, he became acutely aware19 of the hum of a lift motor, the trickle of his sweat at the small of his back and a green light that shone from somewhere beyond the next corner.20 The light marked out the pocks and holes in the concrete walls around the door in sharp shadow.21 He steeled himself again and started to edge up the steps.22
You’re just a delivery boy at the wrong address. Knock at the door, that’s all you have to do, he told himself,23 whilst another voice whispered at him to turn back.24 Something felt like it was all about to go very wrong,25 but he was drawn upwards Could she… could she be in there?26
As his eyes grew level with the bottom of the door there came an intense flash of light that burst from the narrow gap beneath it, illuminating him like a laser show and making his retinas burn as his eyelids failed to close in time.27 The tray of buns flew up as his hands instinctively rose to cover his face.28
Fuck!
Blinded, but with the light somehow still burning through the darkness behind his screwed shut eyes, a sudden deluge of animalistic sounds erupted from behind the door, gurgling screams, and a burst of suppressed gunfire. There was a loud metallic clang, much closer; the sound of another door slamming into a wall in the stairwell to his left and footsteps hammering into the landing above.29
Fuckfuckfuck30
Forcing open his eyes as he turned to flee back down the stairs,31 resolve gnawed to the bone32 by this fresh onslaught,33 he saw34 the dark suited shape of a man at the door, a long sleek weapon in his hands,35 wrap around shades covered his eyes.36 Jiro froze.37 For a split second,38 the man looked towards him down the stairs, back at the door, back at him. Assessing and dismissing the threat from Jiro’s cowering form, he punched open the door and leapt inside, bringing the weapon to bear in one fluid practiced movement.39
For a second the man was framed in light before the door swung shut.40 Then came41 a scream; a cry of something,42 like a child but like an animal at the same time.43 Fear rose to take control of Jiro’s legs, but as he started to turn, the door which had slammed began to swing back open again.44 Time slowed down as the scene was revealed. “This is where you do, absolutely, have to run,” said the inner voice.45
The man with the weapon was crouching on one knee and taking aim at something46; a dark something.47 It was48 a creature49, a beast, with legs and arms and tentacles and claws, pincers and spines and jaws erupting with crystalline teeth.50 Fucking. Red. Glowing EYES.51 The beast was52 riving at the man as he gunned round after round into it, knocking it back,53 each dull exhalation like a heartbeat of flame casting a shadow of the man towards Jiro and another of the thing up the wall behind it. 54Renewing55 its efforts with another scream, it focussed on shredding the man’s neck and arms in a snickering blur of black razors and blood.56 With a spray of gore, the man fell back, the barrel of his gun lifting with a final shot which blew off the side of the beast’s head, thumping it against the wall.57
Shell cases danced to a stop.58 Smoke drifted out of the apartment door and curled up to the ceiling.59 The creature twitched, scratching against a wooden floor.60 The man’s rasping wet breaths stopped.61 Jiro could not move.62 After maybe a minute63 when the sound of his own slowing heart beat was the loudest sound of all, he heard a soft girl’s voice.64
“Help.”65
Jiro winced and the hairs on his neck arose in a standing ovation to fear.66
“Help me,” again it came, with a sob of pain.67 “Stone?”68 The prone man’s head twitched towards the sound. He’s still alive!69
Jiro took a slow step up,70 but slipped on a bao bun. Unbalanced, he fell forward, skinning his shin on the step above.71 At the sound, the head of the man jerked up from the floor and with one arm he pushed himself up and rolled on to his side with a groan.72 Jiro continued to climb the stairs towards the door as the man slumped over onto his face and feebly raised his head again to look up at Jiro approaching.73
The left side of his face was a torn down to the bone and an eye hung down. Blood oozed from the flesh of his neck and his mouth was a tattered hole, but still he tried to speak.74
“Come here,” the gaze of the remaining eye said; his ruined mouth could only flap wetly. Jiro inched forward.75
The man pushed the gun towards him, exhaling with the effort of moving his lacerated arm.76 A red mist came from his mouth as he tried to speak,77 but nothing but bloodied air farted through the tattered lips.78
Ignoring the gun,79 Jiro knelt down before the man “I’ll call for help; the police...an ambulance. Just stay there, ok?”80
“NOooo!”81 He pushed the gun further forward, and turned towards the doorway behind him82 from where the girl’s voice had come.83 He gestured with an urgent 84series of jerks of his head, and something tore in his throat.85 Bright red blood bubbled and pooled across the floor beneath him.86 Sensing his last moments,87 the man’s single eye beseeched him88, his head shaking with the effort he gargled “Kill….her!”89 The90 eye bulged, focussing intently on him for just a few more moments,91 then he slumped into his own death.92
Reaching out, Jiro gripped the suppressor at the end of the gun barrel, but drew his hand back, burned.93 Rising,94 he stepped past the corpse of the man and walked down the hallway. To the right, a half-open door; to the left, one closed door and beyond95 that what looked like96 a kitchen with an open window that must face to the rear of the block.97 There were deep chunks missing from the window frame and fragments of glass all over the floor.98 Something had sprayed blood over the ceiling; it dripped everywhere.99
Jiro tried not to look at the thing on the floor that had killed the man,100 but even with the girl sobbing in the room to the right, he could not stop himself.101 In death, the thing did not look so perfectly black102 as it had.103 A trick of the light104 perhaps?105 Its eyes, which had glowed - they had FUCKING GLOWED red-106 were now dull. Its body seemed to be a mass of different parts: insect, dog, lizard, ape - was that octopus? – fused, melted together; fur meeting scales meeting tentacle.107
Trying not to step in the bloodbath on the floor, but failing, he stretched his right arm out and pushed the door open to see inside.108
There is an adrenalin fuelled reaction in the face of extreme peril, which makes the victim feel as if time is slowing down as all senses are heightened and the heart is given the equivalent of a nitrous oxide injection to get it pumping, ready to face the action or turn tail.109 Jiro’s body was still trying to recover when once more his senses were attacked with a sight that wasn’t ready for.110
A room, white walls sprayed with blood. A window; closed white curtains sprayed with blood. A light, from above,111 white lamp shade dripping blood. The bottom half of another suited man; a lake of blood; a large table; the opposite wall - white; a giant mirror, tendrils of blood running down it across his own reflection; a semi circle of large candles on the table, only one still burned; the table top, wide and square, white stone; an iron ring in the corner nearest him, a chain,112 another beast thing113 its torso ripped almost in two, resting on the table, entrails and vertebrae; an arm, a hand, a katana.114 The body of a naked boy slashed and clawed, lifeless eyes, three limbs chained, one arm outstretched and disappearing elbow deep into the mouth of the beast thing,115 the top of its head sliced off like a huge egg full of brains.116 The far wall, no blood but a dark woven tangle of metal rods hanging there.117 A door.118 Candles strewn into the room’s corners. The top half of a man, dressed in black, coils of guts and innards protruded from beneath the suit jacket. An arm missing. Shades still on. The body of another beast thing, legs like a giant black feathered mantis splaying out at every angle from its hairy, scaled torso; the stump of a tentacled tail at the base of a ridged and warped spine. It hung off the far edge of the stone table, a bright katana blade protruding from its back; several seeping exit wounds.119
Jiro’s eyes panned the room120, coming to rest on the face of the girl as he focussed on the sound of her cries.121 She lay beneath the body of the sword-impaled thing.122 Her sobbing was faint, the weight of the beast123 must be124 crushing her, making every breath harder.125 For a second he returned her gaze feeling the rush of adrenalin taking over again and hearing his heart beating faster and faster.126 It’s not her. Not Kimiko.127
Starting forward he grabbed the slick fur of the creature and pulled it up towards him and off the girl.128 It was heavy but not as heavy as he expected; almost as if it was hollow.129 Pulling it over as far as he could until the sword stopped him, he dragged it towards the edge of the table, but the chitinous scales and spined legs rasped the naked flesh of the girl making her cry out.130
“I’m sorry I’m so sorry! I just have to get this off you and then it will be ok.”131
But he saw132 it would not be ok133 when134 the beast135 finally136 slid onto137 the floor,138 revealing that she, too,139 had three limbs chained to iron rings in the table surface, but one of those limbs was no longer attached to its foot.140
Everything but this poor, ravaged naked girl was dead around him141 and despite the sensory overload and utter insanity of it142, an inner clarity formed in his mind.143 He took off his hoodie and laid it across the girl, to cover her.144 He pulled out his mobile phone and dialled for the police...after three rings the operator answered.145
“emergency services. Which emerg..”146
“Police! Ambulance! There’s been shooting. A girl is dyi....”147
“beep beep” his phone signalled cheerily, as its battery died.148
“FUCK”149 he stared at the screen, thumbing the useless power button then threw it on the floor. He looked round wildly then ran to the corpse of the man on the floor. Rifling through his pockets, he found nothing, but strapped around his belt were ammunition clips, a small grenade, a wicked knife, an aerosol, but not a phone.150
He scrambled over to the man’s legs; rooting in his pockets he found a pager with several coloured buttons on it which he pressed at random, but when nothing happened, he cast it to the floor. Turning to the girl, he put his hands towards her, but hesitated to touch her injured face.151
“Is there a phone – does anyone have a phone?”152 but she looked at him uncomprehendingly.153 He looked down at the stump of her leg which the beast had chewed off at the ankle, as if trying to get her loose from the chain. Blood pulsed from it.154 He ran to the kitchen, leaping over the beast in the corridor, skidding on blood and scattering glass, scanning for a cloth or towel while he turned on the tap. Not finding a towel he tore off his t-shirt,155 drenched it and pulled his belt from his jeans. He grabbed a wooden spoon dwelling alone in an incongruously cheerful utensil jar156 and ran back to the girl. “This will hurt but I have to stop the bleeding”, he said. “Do you understand?”157
She nodded at him.158 He wrapped his t-shirt around the end of her leg as gently as he could, then looped his belt around it.159 “I’m going to put this spoon in your mouth and I want you to bite on it.”160 As she did, he pulled his belt around the stump as tight as he could.161 Her eyes screamed open, she yelped on the stick and passed out.162
He held his head in his hands 163– think think – the other body.164 Running to the corpse in the hall, he dragged the man onto his back and rifled through his clothing; the same array of weaponry, but no phone.165 He noticed166 a thin headphone cable snaking out of the bottom of the man’s shirt and into the top of a featureless metal pack on his belt. Looking up, he saw an earphone was secreted in the man’s right ear, but where was the mouthpiece? He began to unbutton the man’s shirt, shaking fingers just couldn’t deal with the buttons. In desperation he took the knife and slashed at the shirt, cutting the dead man’s flesh at the same time, as the blade sliced up to his throat – another wire led off down the sleeve of his left arm, and at the wrist a black band with a tiny foam disk.167
Holding up the dead arm, he whispered “Hello?” into the mouth piece. Silence. Again, “Hello?” Nothing.168
SHIT – he pulled the earphone from the dead man’s ear, pushing his face close to the dripping bloody mess, and pressed the earpiece into his own ear. Holding the dead wrist up to his mouth with his other hand, he said “Hello?” again. A voice came back.169
“Stone?”
“No; he’s dead. My name is Jiro. Something....Something has happened. Everyone is dead. There’s a girl, she’s hurt...she’s...”170
“Stop. Listen.”171
FIN.
Thanks to Nick for being the first participant to put his money where his heart is. Thanks to you for reading, and I hope you got something out of it. Does it sound a little different in tone and go a little more in depth than the autopsies do? Yes, it does. This is paid work, unless absolutely necessary there will be as little tautology as possible in a paid editorial.
However when needed I’m more than happy to offer it ad hoc as needed. But in general, since it’s not always for show, it’s not always going to be me putting on one. This is for the benefit of the client.
I can’t wait to see the next iteration Nick. Thank you for your support.
I will be your editor, if you want me.
But remember.
FICTION IS CULTURE
Hoping all is well with you (as well as can be expected)
Much as I am loving the AUTOPSY and writing loads of short stories and harvesting your advice to others like a shameless leech, what I really want/need to do is get a novel written.
SO who better to ask to review a short section to see if you think I have what it takes in terms of the style/quality and also the nature of the story itself - its going to take me a lot of time to write whatever one I choose to put on the block so if this is not looking good, I can look at something else.
So this is the first part (most of it) of an 8500 odd word chapter from something ive been writing bits of over a long long time. There are a few pieces of this total body of work already on my stack. - I dont think you have read them
keeping to 2500 words and 5 pages (well its 2548 words I think, but its 5 pages)
The novel has no name (yet) on stack, the three chunks of this I put out to barely a ripple are called Jiro Jones parts I, II and III -
if this sample catches you eye, then there are another 6000 words you can get into if you want - the action is relentless. but I think the dialogue is a flaky and I already know its got too many adverbs and "Thats" in it, probably.
Just let me know what suits you in terms of a run over - I know you have a lot on your plate and I do not want to add pressure to that powder keg so no rush no hurry.
Wishing you the very best
OK. So we're going to focus on these five pages, and we're going to focus on tightening up things like sequences of action (this isn't just action action, it's any sequence of action that a character does, from grabbing a bottle to slumping against a wall.)
I'm also going to focus IN SPECIFIC, on controlling time, how specificity of detail can bring the reader deeper into the story, and we'll work on some clunker or sticky sentences. In short, if you want to be the king of killers, you have to have a great understanding of how killing and dying (cinematic or otherwise) WORK.
Now if you're going for a more stylized effect to your action, as I was in king of killers, otherwise, well, to be honest, shooting people in the head is boring business. That's the contrast in King of Killers. Vlad is more akin to the private security in this story (Except he would have definitely just fragged those monsters or retreated. Professionals, real ones, not only know when they can make the play, but they know when they see a Lovecraftian Dr. Moreau monstrosity that maybe they should cook off a few frag grenades in its direction, pop smoke, and make for the nearest planned route of egress, which, if a soldier, would be planned. That being said, I've read your pages, and as I am your editor, by choice, and since we don't want me literally clogging Cartel stash spots (old habits do die very hard) in between now and my move, I would very much appreciate it if after this is returned to you, we get on with the show as fast as humanly possible.
You start in media res on Jiro, assumedly there is lead up to this as you say it's a novel part. I will ignore that this section starts with a proper noun, as this wouldn't be the proper place for it, but now let me kindly knife you.
These are NOT the autopsies. This is paid work, and you will be given full service, which may include less tautology than the Autopsies, as they're for the purposes not just of getting someone ready to handle a real editor, but some people NEED the basics of story and a lot of the unspoken best practices I mention in them.
He can't round the corner of the stairs, he can round the landing to the next flight, unless they're a spiral staircase. Everyone will know what you mean here, but it will drive an editor mad. Precision is the trade of an editor. I will of course do my best to hold holistically to the voice you've developed, but there are many things you can do to tighten the work up. I've identified some key points of inflection on the first read through, now we go to work.
Cut the glue from this sentence. Glue words are the most common words in the English language, called so because they both hold literal sentences together, but in fiction, they can create much unnecessary clutter. I cannot stress to you enough that a large part of finding your voice as an author, your real voice, the one that's just yours, is eliminating as many of these words as possible and finding how YOU can replace the glue with what it's holding together.
Ex. Glue words in this sentence: the, of, the, on, he, had, to, be, the. That makes this sentence ~50% glue words.
You could effectively condense and shorten this and the next sentence, which is really just a separate clause modifying the statement of the first sentence.
"Jiro steadied one hand balancing the delivery bag of Bun Bao in one hand, the other dragging him shaking up nervous foot by nervous foot onto the next to last landing, the right angle turn and final flight of stairs to what he prayed was the top floor"
From here you would move to Jiro leaning against the wall, nervous.
cut and rewrite. wordhippo.com, find a better word than leaned. He's nervous. Show me. Did he lean or collapse against it? (Note to self, close third past with interiority)
This is a good idea for a sequence. Rewrite it. Remember, if you think you've heard it before more than once, it's probably a cliche, and you're probably bypassing something that could be said better. Metaphor on gritting teeth. Ground them so hard they were hot in his mouth. Clenched his eyes so tight the darkness turned to colored pinwheels on his eyelids.
You're not going to feel the cool concrete of the stairwell WALL on your head, you're going to feel it on your back. The head doesn't have enough sensitive skin, surface area, or contact, to feel anything but extremes of temperature.
If you're trying to write an effective action sequence I would suggest unless you're doing something very thought out, keep your verb constructs active. He heard.
And it would be a hollow noise is the stairwell is concrete walled, and it would be from the top of the flight of stairs. A few sensory details on place could be useful later, but right now we at least have him firmly placed in a space in relation to a space.
Cut, heard. You don't begin to hear unless your ears have been ringing or Jesus has cured your deafness by miracle.
How many varieties of muddled thuds can you think of? How many different types of scraping can you imagine, and how would you describe them to someone without using a fucking adverb? Rewrite.
If he's hearing them, they're sounds, cut. implied. All that you can do is add texture to the sound he is hearing. Muffled thuds and scraping could either have (sigh) a simile construct, or if you removed the like, a metaphorical construct that does the same thing with less words. Have the narrator own what is happening. Passive verb constructs, beginning to hear sounds, these are the things that undercut your authority as an author.
Intentional precision.
cut quite. You're in third close but with interiority, you can add some flavor since the narrator is neither fully interior but has access, as in first person, or third omniscient, which means you're a cold and deliberate god. One detail, Southeast Asian? Glottal? What could be chirping Mandarin?
Give Jiro business here. Release the clenched eyes, blink three times, look up the last set of stairs and back down from where he came. This is the first moment of tension.
From her protag must either commit (a point of no return) or bolt (give in to the voice, what the fuck am I doing?) Feel free to linger here. The doubt of whether he will or won't is what creates tension.
And an effective story is a tension pump. Raise and release, up the ante, raise and release, up the ante, raise and release, this goes for chapters, scenes, sections, and the book as a whole. And generally whether people like it or not, if you want to be a nerd, you can break a scene into three acts, a chapter into three acts, a section into three acts, and a book into three acts (even if they're using a modified five act structure with two interludes and an essay on postmodernism shoved in the middle.) And that's where the intention comes in. Go back to the root word, we pass it over too often "act" Consider what an act is made out of. A series of actions that culminate in a coherent unit of story.)
Cut all, shorten this, find a way to make it apparent he's hugging the wall (if he is hugging the wall, and you can think of no way to say it but that, this is when you can use something like hugging the wall. Some sentences just have to move the story. But keep them short and don't add extra punctuation. If you bring more attention to a sentence just meant to get from A to b, you're going to distract the reader.
Rounding and rounding, he's committed, that should have been a thing. Pause on the commit. Pause here too. Have him stop at the corner and peak around it. If he rounds the corner he's committed to the kill corridor.
Say this but contrast it against something and make it its own para. Also, as he comes up the stairs, is the wailing and gnashing still going on in the distance? continuity, keep the continuity, keep the flow.
If he closes his eyes to listen and he's nervous he's only going to hear his breathing, he needs to hold his breath here. (Also a tension move, albeit a small one.)
cut
Have him close his eyes, this signals to the reader the visual will be internal (trust me) cut all the commas or make them periods or make it one sentence without commas, not strictly needed, stylistic choice.
Single this out as a one sentence para, if it means something, if not... Choose your own adventure. We're on the final act of commitment in the first page of the story.
Rewrite as direct. Please refrain from starting sentences in tight or tense sequences of action with a preposition. Make the fear real. You can tell it, but only if you show it as well.
cut, nope, just have him hear it. You can add tension here by separating out what he's hearing. Or by making it choppy.
The hum of a lift motor.
The trickle of sweat pooling in the small of his back.
A green light strobing from around the corner.
This.
is.
How.
You.
Control time.
Or with a break.
USE the space on the page. You don't just vary your sentence structure, your sentence length, your word usage, your diction, your syntax, your punctuation.
You weaponize your space.
The Page is not just a page, it is your canvas. Treat it as you would if you were a painter.
(See the prelude to the action in king of killers, the forever second with the flashback scene.)
(also, silence above is immediately broken upon interrogation, surface silence, the feeling of silence, work on that)
addressed previously, cut rewrite.
Give me a more solid sense of place, but this is good. If you're going to write a scene involving violence or action, hell, draw a map if you have to (I've done it before) Writers are insane, we do insane things for our art. Aside from that, great. Love pocks and holes.
Oh, and I don't want a reportage that he's steeled himself, I want to feel what he feels. You want to know why I write panic attacks? Because a sequence in Penny Dreadful, Will Christopher Baer's second novel, was written so well, and so tense, and I was so involved, it gave me a horrible panic attack.
Lost in place, back this up or make it a tension ratchet. He's got to be somewhere, is he at the bottom of the steps or the top? Be concise.
redundant.
cut, rewrite. God, I hate typography sometimes. Have you ever seen reversed italicized text? Yeah, that would be GREAT for this. But instead. Point out why he should turn back. "The sounds of violence told him to go back." You could drag this on a little effectively building tension, but he has to be in place.
Oh no, fucking cut rephrase or rewrite, it's damn sure that something could and most likely will go horribly wrong. Remember, you can address the reader with big voice statements in almost any viewpoint, no matter what, someone is narrating the story. Who, how, why, the narrator is the voice, not the characters. This is why in third person the narrator always needs attention.
No one ever fucking teaches you this though. It's like you're telling the story. You're not, you're telling the story of someone telling a story. How why, what for? I don't care if it's fucking Loki the trickster god or Elmo, but feel free to use this fact to better effect.
Make this more magnet or something. Rewrite. Also, remember the page is a weapon. And any time you think about putting an ellipses in text like this, take it out and shoot it in the head. Use a different separator, that's a shortcut of bad kind.
Stay active, his eyes didn't grow level, they came level as he walked up the stairs, there didn't come an intense flash, a blinding lazer show flash burst from the gap at the bottom of the door burning his retina in the time it took his eyelids to snap shut. examples.
Active. He threw the bun (plural of bun bao is bun or bao depending on how white you are, I believe. I've had at least one or two Viet girlfriends.)
Cut this up and shorten it. drop somehow. cut but with the. Cut SUDDEN, OH MY GOD. You get one sudden per entire novel. I'm putting everyone on sudden timeout.
animalistic hedges, animal is better.
screams gurgling would be one of the only times I'd be like "sure gerund me daddy" A burst of suppressed gunfire (sub gun, pistol, etc? important question, they all make different reports. They'll still be loud just not deafen you loud. (think 140 db instead of 190)
Still a little dodgy on where he is.
Cut metallic clang, cut much, just say close, cut the semicolon, "another door slamming into a wall" (slamming open? make clear, it could be slamming off its hinges and flying make the same noise) Footsteps hammering is good.
An effective way to control time and tension is with comma splices, runons, and by staccato rhythm. Single or several word sentences are very effective. Single out one thing. Punch. Glass shatters. God shitting on you.
In a sequence that builds tension long sentences are murder.
Good though, maybe a few more of this, palms wet spaghetti.
rewrite in active.
keep
cut or rewrite.
cut.
If you're going to kill people in prose you're going to learn something about firearms because this don't cut it. Also, is it a silhouette, I thought it was a shadow on first reading, clarify, even if it's a throwaway character, give him at least one distinct visual sensory detail to pick him out, two if you're feeling spicy and can fit it in quick.
Weapons suggestion, suppressed MP7. Google it, find out about it, it can be one handed, it's a submachinegun with a high cap, and it's quite popular these days. Very efficient weapon indeed.
The operator look. Suggest killing this since they're indoors. Don't have the goon be cool for effect when it would cost him operational capacity. However, he could have them hanging around his neck (believe it or not operators do this, it's a thing, check pics on the internet long enough and eventually you'll see examples.)
Yeah, but make it colder, also give this a hard break, its own para.
cliche rewrite
ut this sequence down by half. Make every movement seem fast and discreet. Assessing Jiro. Dismissing him. No threat. Look up how this breach would happen.
A breach is dangerous, if he's a professional he's going to do it professionally. And it will be in one set of motions that are as much reflex he's done them so many times as anything else (unless he's supposed to just be a goon, but I don't get the vibe.) If the door can be breached with a kick, he will step back, kick open, take one step back, raise his weapon, and commit. If the target is in front of him he will immediately open fire, if the target is not immediately apparent he will make a decision based on prior knowledge as to which way to cut into the room. Look up "cutting the pie cqb" that's what he will do. The last thing that he will do is commit to the kill corridor or the line of fire, that is the LAST act in the sequence.
(Next ask me about the four stage sequence involved in drawing a gun in close quarters combat.)
Give it that second, rewrite given all I've given you, bloop him in the door, if it swings shut behind him like it's being forced closed, he picked the wrong way to cut on the breach.
Then came a horse, and his name it said on it was death, and hell followed with him. Cut, this isn't the fucking bible.
offred? Cut or rewrite for clarity.
good vibe, condense, consider sensory details on sound, visual
Fear is not a disembodied actor, fear is what Jiro is experiencing, don't other it. Rewrite. Better yet, show the fear, actively, stay in active verb constructs, and keep it going.
Rewrite everything about the door. Maybe give it room to breathe. That should be a tension build or a small release, or a fear point, either way, it's yet another point of no return he has to pass to get to the treasure.
Dilated always works better in these instances because it literally is time dilation.
Since we're close third on Jiro either give him active "he saw" or go exterior to narrator, "the scene revealed" but cut "was"
Cut said the inner voice, if you're using italics for it already you're just restating.
Unless he's already been clipped, if there's anything he can use as cover or concealment, he's behind that. Give him a table.
And unless these people all communicate by telepathy, I forgot to mention. He would report Jiro as existing to whoever is running ops.
"Stairwell one, no tango" (Stairwell one, civilian) "Moving to breach" (well that's obvious innit.)
Don't telegraph your monsters, it fucks the balance of tension.
cut
maybe cut.
Good, you could get more sensory, but this works.
Cut this into the above para between the descriptors of what IT is.
cut, implied that they're in conflict.
replace as he with "man gunning"
OK, is this the green? If it is make it more clear, I'm confused. But I like the sentence generally, now rewrite it.
don't start with a gerund. Especially in action. Kills speed, or perception thereof.
Get rid of the gerund affront of this and keep this active, It renewed efforts and etc
What have I said about action sequences and passive verb constructs. rewrite.
I just thought of ballet here, thought I'd mention it. Ballerina danced.
Yeah, guns make a lotta smoke.
the wooden floor if the floor in there is wood. What's scratching, give some details on this moment.
There ya go, active.
Say this, but say it better.
For scenes with a time dependent element, create a clock. A clock that isn't maybe a minute. So, you know, either make it a minute or ten breaths, or something.
Cut when, add detail on how slow his heartbeat was (was or seemed, he'd be tachy as fuck, and it would take more time than he's had for it to slow significantly unless he pops a mouthful of Valium.)
Point out that this is the only thing he can hear over his own heartbeat, good break, this is where it should be. But the way the previous sentence's syntax and flow of sequence of action moved, it doesn't hit.
I want to tell you to do something with this because somehow it is ONE click off, but that one click can sometimes be your real voice, or it can be very good to have, so keep this for next draft unless you find a reason to change it, which you might.
Keeep up to comma, cut with, new para, a sob of pain stands.
Who says this?
Let's detail this half dead guy with just one perfect bit right before you get into the gore. But good. This would startle the fuck out of Jiro, cut excess words. Still alive would work, because we're in lala land here.
rewrite
Rewrite, this is either a very narrow hallway or a very strange building. Seriously, I keep losing sense of place between room, stairs, etc. Rewrite for clarity. Make a map or a diagram if you have to. (you think I didn't map that hall for King of Killers, because I could dig out the grid paper...)
Because the man is hurt, in contrast to Jiro, and since mortally wounded, consider the effect of letting this be where you use passive verb constructs. The reader won't notice that they notice. But they'll notice. The passive verb stancing of the man who is dying contrasts that he is dying with the fact that Jiro is still alive. Make sure your sequence of action is crisp.
Keep Jiro separate from anything the man does. Jiro active, the man's movements passive. Still, issues with place.
This should be a terrifying reveal. Go deep on sensory details of all kinds.
This is good. But if you use wetly I will find you and I will end you, rewrite.
Lacerated where, give it some oomph, just saying he's wincing isn't enough, he's got half his face gone, this was a very tough fucker, if he's wincing, arm's probably half gone, just enough muscle to inch it that direction.
Keep, very good.
Keep but please for the sake of the child in everyone find a better word than fart.
Either just have this be "Ignore the gun" internal or narrator. It's not breaking tense because then Jiro knelt down.
Give him a stutter or something. Dialogue doesn't get semicolons, immediately ripped out of it.
Good
Make mention of how hard it sounded like this was to get out with a fucked up mouth. But also just have him push the gun again, (has he already?) Everything this dying man is doing is a struggle, a purposeful struggle
CUT TELEGRAPH
urgent, is nix, find better way to say it.
This is great though.
Maybe add in some creep, blood creep is almost cliche but done right is great. Especially if it's getting close to something. Humans are mostly naturally averse to blood.
Who, fucking Yoda? Rewrite.
I want to keep beseech but I also want the nonverbal cues that would be visual sensory that lead to beseech. I beseech thee.
This is where you comma, his head, shaking with effort, he gargled, "Kill" he rasped (What did I say about ellipses) "HER!"
his socketed or the like
"held a boa constrictor's focus on Jiro for his last wheezing breaths,
And gave in, slumping into death. (economy of words)
Move to active.
Active, but like, did that burn just make him decide fuck the weapon? There's a point here. Also, is he rubbing the burn on his finger, details, business.
Good
cut that, it's clutter. Jiro is pov we're close on, give him the wheel here. Does he assume or does it look like a kitchen, also, why? One detail.
Why must it face the rear of the block?
Maybe make this seem a little more ominous. But good vibes.
I like this.
OK, one issue, they killed each other, the man and the beast. Make something of that, if only a moment. If only a bit. Because it shows that whatever this fuck demon is, it can be killed by man. That's probably important later, right?
Cut half the words from this sentence, if the girl sobbing is going to be a thing, commit to the bit, you haven't mentioned it enough.
Good
cut
keep
cut
didn't go on about the glowing red eyes exactly long enough to warrant this reaction. Make it slightly more sedate. Right vibe. Cut "which" clutter word.
This is body horror, but not body horrific enough. Go big or go home. And give it some smells. Things fucking smell, while alive and dead. And just. Yeah, go big or go home.
Move to active.
This is out of place, it's directly addressing the reader, it should be way, way up there, back when it was happening, around when time slowed to a crawl. Now it's just reportage.
But do a callback to it here, his hands losing some tremor, the shakes slowing, breathing getting deeper, less shallow and hurried, then BAM. But cut everything as well because you're telegraphing a reveal.
He walked into a room (few details for placement) white walls. Sprayed with blood. (drop italics, that's his inner thoughts) )If you go with the white motif you have to commit to it. White has to keep popping up. Not like, every sentence, but it has to make an appearance.
Expand! MAKE THIS VIVID SIR, I know you can.
Not first person, the narrator can say what it was, or just say it was a horror, or just be more detailed about it preferably. It had the head of a lion, and another of a cock, one was a dog, blah blah. You get me.
Zoom on sensory, Is Jiro seeing or walking past, reaction, where is the katana?
This scene would probably work best as Jiro actually inspecting the room since we're still close third, but I mean, that's just me going on gut. More detail on nude ass kid, more detail on everything. You're saying these things HOW THEY HAVE BEEN SAID 1,000 TIMES, and that expects the reader to understand that they're being signaled to know what they are seeing, and they are, but that is not art, that is below you, I know it is, and it's also what books you buy in airports are made of. Perfectly executed stories told in the most bland and innofensively uncreative way possible from an artistic standpoint.
keep huge egg full of brains, drop the simile, find a way. Where there's a will, there's you bypassing saying the thing that you could say in your voice instead of the shortcut (similes can be useful, but they also MUST be exceptional. This one is nearing it, but not quite, otherwise I wouldn't split this hair.)
Suggest a little visual detail on the tangle, there can be tangle like tangle of hair, tangle of my clothes out of the dryer, or tangle of twisted metal rods of some dire provenance, do keep it clear which is which,
The far wall had a door in its middle, or some such, then the rods, then magically, cap it with no blood, that would be a reveal in a room completely inundated with gore.
This is great, but make it worse somehow. I'm not convinced. Convince me like you convinced me in that prompt, or like I was convinced in your story for Dark Tidings.
Anytime someone pans or scans a room in fiction I want to commit seppuku.
Have him stop to focus on the source of the cries, then do a visual search. In low light this always works better, also, you could also show that Jiro hasn't completely lost his shit, and may have SOME control over his mental faculties.
Rewrite. And she wasn't lying beneath it (people lie, objects lay.) SHe was pinned under it.
keep
cut
Say this how you would say it if you'd never been influenced by media that taught you this is a shortcut.
Slow this down, give some visual detail on the girl, just like, something, every character must be a character, I don't care if they just walk by, if they seem cardboard, I'm going to fucking hate you for it. You're doing everyone a disservice. But draw this moment of realization out.
Also, the fact that it's not Kimiko would be both a relief, and a terror. A man told him to KILL this child. Is Jiro in shock? His immediate response aside from it not being Kimiko (relief) should be "ohmygodwhatthefuckwhothefuckareyou?!"
I'd do
"It's not.
Not Kimiko."
But that's just me.
Give me more squelch, you're passive constructing your verbs again.
Yes, say this, but say it in less words and with more impact. Anyone could write this. How do you write this? How do you write this as an author?
Good, stay active in verb constructs unless there's a very good reason not to, or unless it's very intentional (passive verbs ARE passive voice, because there is no such thing as passive voice, only passive verb constructs, and they tends to not confer weight or authority when used unless used for a reason. Edith gets away with them because they are part of her syntax and her writing is so luridly graphic and expressionist. I couldn't get away with that, and I don't try to. Think when you redraft this.
Cut after "off you" or don't be so formal. Make a promise. "I just have to get this off you and it'll be okay, I promise, I'm sorry, I swear." something. Maybe give him some business and break up the dialog.
cut
own para
cut
Nxt Para.
I will find you and pull out your teeth. no finalities. If it is final, it better be REAL final. This word, any variation thereof, so overused.
to, down to, etc.
did it make a noise, you said it seemed hollow, did it crack, did it splat, did it eat green eggs and ham?
Jiro saw she had- (specify the limbs, two legs and an arm?)
This isn't gory enough. Reportage and exposition, rewrite so I feel icky because this is supposedly a kid.
Good.
but despite the sensory overload, the utter insanity, an inner clarity took hold in him.
cut redundant, if it's inner clarity of some kind it's already in his mind.
cut the comma. There's writing then there's literature
Maybe at the start of this make it a point to check his phone in the initial hallway, see that it's at like, five percent or some shit. Simple things catch you up later because you come up with something that wasn't there and then suddenly it is (this goes for everyone, not just you.) THE ROYAL YOU. (including me)
Same for interruptions. cut with a dash
Cut call end with a dash, general praxis.
What do modern phones do when they die? They don't beep, they just go black. They brick. Or they chime or chirp like happy little birds then just shut off. And drop cheerily or I will Cheerily fly out there and remove your fingernails.
I grant upon you ONE exclamation point
If you want this to read as frantic, change the syntax and grammar.
"He stared at the screen, thumbed the useless power button, threw it on the floor, and looked left, right, left, searched the room desperate for anything he could use, saw the dead man and ran to him, kneeling over digging through his pockets, nothing, nothing, magazines for his weapon, some kind of grenade Jiro couldn't identify, a fixed blade knife for killing, some aerosol, but not mase, and not a phone, so he scrambled down the man's body to his legs, nothing in his pockets but a pager with three three colored buttons on it, blue, yellow, and red, but pressing them didn't do anything so he tossed it aside.
Jiro turned back to the girl and her bleeding stump."
Ok, see how that's one long comma spliced run on sentence? But do you also get a feeling of desperation to it? Yeah. Think of what you're trying to execute. Consider all of your tools. Execute. If you fail. Go again.
Have Jiro get back to the girl, give more detail, how is her face injured, isn't it strange she's only sort of whimpering and crying, like... she's not... normal... Just a thought.
Here you use the dash.... Which is fine. But.
uncomprehendingly goes bye bye. She can cock her head, blank eyed, brows can knit, but show the incomprehension. She doesn't know what a phone IS does she. These details are what make readers go "Oh this dude dumb as hell, she's a fucking demon." while reading, because they're in the story.
Maybe have him lose his temper. "A FUCKING PHONE!?" then she could wail or cry and he could apologize. Give it some pathos.
Write this better, rewrite. But decent first go round.
In this sort of long action sequence, as long as not the first action, gerunds can be used if you want. They're fine. But cut at tap and go to active non gerund. He couldn't find a towel. His shirt though. He tore it off, pulled his belt from his jeans, grabbed a wooden spoon from an"
OK, you don't have to say it's incongruous if you show that it's incongruous, like, you know, live laugh love. Or here we cook with love. So, give some visual detail, also gives a chuckle or just acts as good contrast.
don't have him ask if she understands. I'd just have him promise it won't hurt after he does this. She's already shown an incapacity to understand and his clarity, while clear, is probably insane, and false.
Or you can have her nod.
cut gently, say it better.
Have him stuff it at her face, she bites it, stay active.
Decent sequence of action even if passive.
she yelped teeth dug deep in the stick and passed out or some such, but great sentence. Love "screamed open" this is what you're looking for.
See that, that's voice. That's style.
Is he pacing a tight circle, give him more business.
Maybe have him take a little longer to get here, he is under quite a bit of stress, not too much longer, but one beat.
Cut this down, bad repetition.
He noticed always sounds shit unless it's outrageous "he noticed his cock was out on the bus" See, that's worth it. Reword but say the same thing.
How old is this tech? otherwise stay active, good mostly.
He held, stay active. Passive verb constructs littering a manuscript are one of the first things aside from bad opens, no sense of direction, abuse of strange dialogue tags (can't anyone just fucking SAY something anymore?!) and adverb abuse that shout "amateur" to an editor. Learn to avoid unless for a reason, be able to justify the reason.
Good, but end is
"He said hello again.
"Stone?"
A voice came back.
"Uh, oh, well, he's dead, and, well. Can we start over? I'm Jiro. And something happened and I think it's very bad. Everyone here is dead, Stone is Dead, but he died very well. He seemed very brave. And , and, and there's this girl. She's hurt, she's, she's missing a leg,"
Jiro needs a distinct voice. Find one. Do an interview with him. Write his own notebook. Write a scene that's just Jiro talking about himself, whatever you have to do to find him.
See above comment.
Good break.
And remember. Emil is your editor. Godspeed Nick, you're a good one.
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some great foundational edits to really make this a lot better and how i write it going forward...
Wow, this is great advice. Thanks Nick and Emil. Im glad George stacked the link. Maybe Ill step up to the Choping block. I'd give my best imatation of a Spanbauer, Drake, Vitello, Palahniuk, Hempel, and Lish lovechild monster of a short story to you to murder. I want to get better at writing. I need it.